I've had a recurring dialogue with myself for as long as I can remember. I just didn't realize it. I have no idea how many times I've heard it. I wasn't consciously aware of it until yesterday. My friend and partner, Valerie, at Scrap Girls, is the one that brought it to my attention, unbeknownst to her. I was creating a layout with her picture on it yesterday. When I mentioned that to her she said something to the effect of, "Oh I can't wait to see it. Nothing like an artist to appreciate another artist's work. I'm usually giving my art away though, so it's nice to be on the receiving end."And that resonated with me. Did she just call me an artist? Was that a slip of her tongue? Could it be possible?
And then, the tape played again in my head. The whole dialogue. Back and forth. My heart against my logical, rationale, incredibly stupid at times mind.
It usually goes something like this:
"I really enjoy creating."
"That's good."
"No, I mean I REALLY enjoy it. Like it's second to breathing for me."
"OK."
"I think I would love to be an artist."
"No, no you're not artist material."
"Well, that may be, but I would like to be one anyway."
"You can't be an artist, for a number of reasons: You can't support yourself and be an artist. You can't possibly take time away from all of life's responsibilities to just sit and play with art. And you can't just go around calling yourself an artist. You must be deemed one."
"Hmmmm, I hadn't thought of all that."
"Yeah, I didn't figure."
"Did I mention that creating makes me come alive?"
"Did I mention that creating makes you go broke and is a silly waste of time?"
"Yes, yes, you did make that point. And I suppose it's a good one."
"Of course it is."
"But what's the bit about you have to be deemed an artist...what does that mean?"
"Well, it means you can't just out of the blue wake up one morning and say, 'Hey, I'm an artist now.' "
"You can't?"
"No, you have to be good. And someone else has to think so too. In fact several someones."
"Oh, well that's too bad. I couldn't even get into Grad school. Wasn't good enough."
"I know."
"And I didn't go to school for art."
"I know."
"I should have. But I took a safer approach."
"I know. Artists aren't safe. Your safe."
"I suppose I am."
"You are."
"So what do I do with this desperate desire I have for creating?"
"Let that go. If you stay busy enough, you'll forget about it."
"So I should distract myself from what my heart desires?"
"Think of it more like saving face. If you don't try it, you can't fail."
"Oh right. Be safe."
"Right, be safe."
I've been giving it all a lot of thought. And I'm done with it.
I'm done with being too scared. I'm doing with thinking it's too irresponsible. I'm done with thinking this is a fault instead of a gift. I'm done with believing I have to be deemed an artist or have others approval first. I'm finished with being a slave to my own thinking.
I'm free from all of that. I'm empowered and inspired.
What my mind wouldn't allow me to believe, my heart has known all along - I am an Artist!
15 comments:
You betcha you're an artist! Don't forget it! You're uber talented!
I do the same thing though. I don't think of myself as one either. It's like someone has to knight me an artist or something. We think we have to be like so and so to be an artist. If we did this, if we did that, then we'd be one. And on and on.
Mandy I was just telling Robin that you had a blog (did you know she was pregnant by the way??!) -- I actually said the words, "Mandy is soooo creative." You are an artist indeed.
I have totally had that same dialog run around in circles in my head!!! You are such a wonderful artist, DO NOT EVER DOUBT THAT!!!!!
wow, I never thought YOU the amazing and talented ARTIST would think that way! You are blessed with an incredible talent as a very creative ARTIST. Yep, said it twice so it must be true. :)
We've all been there and it's still a battle...the conversations in our heads :)
That dialogue alone is a work of art. I have this argument all the time, with people who did go to art school, or the conservatory, etc...and it's silly. Basquiat didn't wonder if he was an artist. Neither did Emily Dickinson. Neither does Beck. They're too busy making art.
I have the same dialogue, with variations, in my own head. I call them my monkeys, and sometimes they are very, very loud. Thanks for reminding me how silly they are.
Titles....labels....who needs them? Artist...alcoholic...winner....etc. If you actually meet the actual authority who has the right to bestow these annointments upon people, let me know. I probably would be interested so I could avoid that guy/gal.
It's not about what one is called, it's about what someone does.
I haven't quite gotten past the volume of my "no" voice. I always thought that other people had to call you an artist. Self-labeling as such was self-agrandizement and conceit rather than a statemnt of fact, desire or volition. However, this mostly comes from a lack of confidence in one's skills which, I hope, chips away over time.
You're right, though, it's the doing that is most important.
If you wonder, Gray linked to you in his blogs, which is how I got here. :)
Congrats Mandy on your epiphany. My friend has much the same issue with his writing.
I have the same thoughts as you WERE ... never did I mention "art" pertaining to my works or Artist pertaining to me in my blog... I'm still stuck in that mode.
You are an artist if you think you are. The more we pretend we are something the more we practice whatever it is and the more we become like that thing which we are "pretending" to be. Focus and attitude are everything. To be art or not to be art? F*#& the labels because in the end you're just competing with yourself. Enjoy making art and sharing it.
Koutny
I came across your blog while thinking about the same problem you have--identifying myself as an artist. After I thought about it for a while, I wrote an article on it for my website. I don't want to look like I'm trolling blogs to increase visits to my own site, so I'll just thank you for your honest, wonderful blog and for being my inspiration.
Best,
--Q
I have SO had this same conversation with myself. I think it must be a common thing...thanks for articulating it. I dare to call myself an artist, as in "that's my story, and I'm sticking with it." :)
Thanks for this. I found you through Moleskinerie. I too have had this conversation with myself many times. I solved it (I thought) for all time by realising the idiocy of it and calling myself an artist. "What do you do?" "I'm an artist and I also work ..."
It has worked for me for years.
Reading your post I was able to recognise that I don't do that anymore. "What do you do?" "I'm a ... And I also paint." I've been saying that now for about 6 mths. For about 6 mths I've also been wondering why my production of my art has declined. I haven't been able to post on my blog. I haven't been doing anything much.
Thanks for raking these thoughts up into my conscious mind. I am an artist, and I think I will just head off and create something!
(I might also link to your post from my blog, if you don't mind. I'll do it when I put my next post up on it!!!)
It is new birth the world celebrates when we find our path and purpose. I've written many things concerning artists, gifts, talents, blessings and creativity. My post, "Artistry for Free," may be of interest.
Writer's Whirlpool
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