Messy Canvas

UPDATE!!!! New Blog - Here's what to do!

2009-01-10T02:28:00.011-06:00

Hey Everyone!

Last night I made a BIG switch and have moved my blog off of Blogger and onto the goodness called Wordpress. [UPDATED] So, as things get switched there may be issues but the RSS feed is the same and the web address is still www.messycanvas.com.

(post written by Mandy's amazing husband the only dude in the links in the sidebar, so there are probably a lot of grammar errors...)

Is No Required?

2009-01-09T23:44:00.008-06:00

Meet Moto Moto.

He's a funny character in Madagascar 2, a movie my parents treated our family to when they were visiting in December.

Since that time we have thrown around some of our favorite lines...you know, the ones that make us die laughing. And by "we" I mean both our kids and me and Tony.

Tony keeps saying this line of Moto Moto's: "And girl, my answer will always be yes unless no is required." Hilarious.

But because he's said it so many times, and because Zoe, my 5-yr-old repeats it too, I have gotten it stuck in my head. And the other day it hit me, wait a minute, that actually makes a lot of sense. Moto Moto may just have some brains with his brawn afterall. Who knew?

I know that with my kids, and my over-controlling tendencies, I say "no" a lot! It is very easy for that word to come flying out of my mouth with very little thought as to why I am even saying it. I've gotten lazy with my "no's," tossing them out as an easy one-size-fits-all fix to their questions or their actions.

What if I only said "no" when it was actually REQUIRED. What if "no" was not my first choice for the words flying off my tongue?

A few days ago I had all 4 of my kids with me at the grocery store. Nehemiah (2) and Luther (2 months) were in the cart and Zoe (5) and Charis (4) were walking. As we were waiting in line to check-out Zoe walked up to the person's cart in front of us and literally reached into the lady's cart and pulled out some candy. Horrified (now I realize it was silly to be so up-tight about it) I said, "Zoe, no! Put that down." She didn't even look at me. She paused and then went ahead and did what she was originally intending...She put the candy up on the checkout counter. She was being caring and kind by helping the lady empty her cart!

I realized that I have little faith in my kids or in myself as a parent. Perhaps sometimes my kids are actually going to display some of the virtues I've been trying to instill in them, but I cut them off too quick, assuming the worst in them. Perhaps also it's okay for kids to "act THEIR age" instead of mine and mess something up. Afterall, don't we learn from mistakes?

How many times is no REALLY required?

Angry Homemade Noodles UPDATE

2009-01-06T16:21:00.003-06:00

To all those wishing to take part in the Angry Homemade Noodles study:

Our Facebook Group is filling up. It's seriously so fun for me to see all of you in one place. What's even more fun is that there are a lot of women that I don't even personally know, which means you're inviting your friends, which means you're expecting God to show up and do something radical. Me too.

A few things I want to update you on:
First off, sorry for those of you who thought we started last nite. We didn't. We start next Monday nite, January 12. I need another week to work all the butterflies out of my stomach and to trust God that He is in control of this whole ordeal.

Secondly, if you have not received and accepted an invite to the Angry Homemade Noodles Facebook Group then I don't realize you want to be a part of it. So please, leave me your Facebook name in a comment on this blog post or run right now to Facebook and add me, Mandy Steward as a friend and tell me you want to be a part. I foresee this Facebook Group being a big part of our interactions together, so you'll want to get in on it. It's a private group (which is why I have to invite you) so that it will be a safe place to talk amongst friends.

Thirdly, I started an introduction thread on the messageboard of our Facebook Group. Go ahead and introduce yourself so we can get to know each other.

Fourthly, you own this LifeGroup as much as I do, so please feel free to start your own threads on the Facebook Group. If you need prayer, if you have some encouragement to share, if you want to link us to a blog post that you think would inspire us, you have the freedom to jump in and start talking. This is as much your community as it is mine. We own it together. We make it something great together.

Fifthly, you do not have to be a Christian to join in. You also do not have to be a certain age to join in. Young or old, Christian or not, we all need support and we all have wisdom we can share. All moms are welcome.

Sixthly, I am still working out the tech side of things. You won't have to have a webcam to participate on Monday nites. We might run into some hiccups until we figure out what works the best for the amount of people we have. Pray that we don't have tech issues so that we can enjoy our hour together fully.

Seventhly (okay, this is getting ridiculous. I mean is "seventhly" even a word?) Don't forget to check back here next Monday for our first Angry Homemade Noodles post on the topic "Broken Record." Read it, think about it, jot down notes about it, and then we'll discuss it Monday nite. I'll let you know by Monday where exactly we'll be meeting. More than likely you'll be able to access our time together by just coming to www.messycanvas.com.

Can't wait!

Life Learnings

2009-01-06T15:44:00.002-06:00

"It is, in fact, nothing short of a miracle that the modern methods of instruction have not yet entirely strangled the holy curiosity of inquiry; for what this delicate little plant needs more than anything, besides stimulation, is freedom. It is a very grave mistake to think that the enjoyment of seeing and searching can be promoted by means of coercion and a sense of duty." ~Albert Einstein

When I think of what we're doing as a family, I tend to find myself calling it "life learning" as opposed to homeschooling. Life itself does have so much to teach us as we go throughout a normal day. There are no lack of lessons. It's just going to take me awhile to get acclimated to all the opportunities we have to learn together. I am by no means an expert when it comes to this. In fact, I'm looking forward to attending a local summit later this month with a friend, so that I can glean some more wisdom from other moms.

It was not an easy decision for us to homeschool our children. I've done so much research over the last few years that I'm sick of it. You can probably see that trail through past blog posts. I asked advice from friends and family. I watched other families with kids that were homeschooled and kids that were in public school. I read book after book after book. I didn't feel that the "how to's" of homeschooling were getting any clearer and yet I felt God's calling, for us to be a homeschool family, was even stronger. You can imagine how frustrating that was.

Two weeks after Luther was born I told Tony, "I'm not cut out for this. I can't ever homeschool. God wants me to, but I can't see how it's possible!" I was distraught.

Tony told me to give it some time. He said that maybe two weeks after having a baby wasn't a good time to make that decision. Ah, the humor I see in that now.

But I've continued wrestling with God on the matter, and yesterday, the most stress-relieving epiphany came to me...This is what I make it. I don't have to do it exactly like the books. I don't have to have an education degree. I don't have to own expensive curriculum or classroom tools. I don't have to have everyone's approval. I don't have to follow some homeschool moms rule book. It can be IMPERFECT! I have the FREEdom to make this how I want to make it. I have the FREEdom to do what my kids will thoroughly enjoy. It is an art form in and of itself and it requires my creativity!

I thought when I started this homeschool trek that the only way I was going to be successful at it was if I was using someone else's pre-scripted curriculum. I wasn't sure if we could afford it, narrowing down the options seemed like a nightmare AND it didn't sound like fun to me to teach it. Now I realize the reason I felt like I couldn't come up with my own curriculum was because I didn't have enough time in my days to give my family my full attention. I have had to be willing to say no to some other things in order to say yes to this. And oh how deeply I want to say yes to this. I feel called to it.

Now, I feel as though God is giving me a passion to use my creativity to meet my kids right where that, developing creative ways for them to learn as we do life together each day.

I am actually waking up in the mornings with an excitement for the day. This is new to me. I used to dread how we would get through our day. I used to fight for pockets of time where I could design. I used to let my kids watch lots of TV so I could have lots of "me" artsy time. But God is changing my heart. I am praying for Him to, and He is doing it. I am now so much more excited about what we can learn together. I am enjoying thinking up creative and highly active ways for us to learn. I actually have the energy for it. Me, who just a couple of months ago had decided I could never homeschool my kids, no matter how much I longed to. Prayer has been radically changing me, as I've been calling on God to make our family the family I see in my head and to make me the kind of artist He wants me to be.

It is a long road ahead. I still have moments of great frustration and moments where I want to grab control again and be an artist the way I want to be an artist. I still have days where I feel like a failure. I still have no clue how I will ever teach a child pre-algebra or high school physics. But it's a day by day process, and I'm finding the more I admit personal defeat and embrace my own IMPERFECTions, the more God comes alongside me and fulfills the deeper longings of my heart. He helps me rise above myself to be that person I so long to be.

Who is really doing more life learning these days? Me or my kids?

There is a pretty cool video of the car track if you want to check it out. And I can't take credit for a bit of it. This was all the creativity of Tony and my kids while I sat and cuddled a newborn.

My "Imperfect" Decision

2009-01-04T16:12:00.004-06:00

I am serious about this IMPERFECT word. I am not going to let 2009 go by with out major life change in me. Prepare yourself for seeing even more of the real me. Consider yourself warned.

I was pretty sure my word for 2008 was going to be "promise." In fact I had journaled a whole page about why it should be "promise."

Then, one night after a fairly heated moment {and by "heated" I mean my blood pressure was rising because of a messy house that in my opinion had gotten out of control and therefore I was spewing out commands to my children to "pick up this" and "pick up that" as I was flitting around trying to regain order}...it was after this, after my kids were in bed and order was somewhat regained, that I realized what I had just put everyone through.

The guilt started to set in as it became quiet in our home. Too quiet. As I sat journaling, I kept feeling like God was bringing this word to me..."imperfect." And it was clear to me, on so many levels, that I was going to need to wrestle with this word for a long time. Probably even a whole year.

Thus my decision to make "imperfect" my word for 2009.

I am imperfect. I mess up and yell at my kids when I feel like I can't control things. I require too much out of them. I want to control them. I squelch joy. I am hurried. I push too hard. I have trouble quitting something once I've started it, even if something else or SOMEBODY else needs my attention. I get envious of other people. I often compare myself to others (especially women), trying to make sure I am in someway better than them so I don't feel so horrible about myself. I try too hard to be wonder woman and then hide in guilt when I realize I am not.

My home is IMPERFECT. Scattered toys, marks on the walls, stains on the carpet, pee on the floor when someone didn't get to the bathroom in time, crumbs under the table, hair in the bathtub, dust pretty much everywhere, un-weeded landscaping, dirty dishes, mountains of laundry - both dirty and clean. Need I go on?

My kids are IMPERFECT. They say things I wish they wouldn't. They fight. They throw angry tantrums. They disobey. They run around in the grocery store and make me crazy when I wish they would just stay by my side and be quiet and calm.

My marriage is IMPERFECT. We disagree. We "fight" for our own free time, which comes so rarely with 4 little kids. We get tense about money or work or family or the little things like who is going to take the trash out and some days we just plain lose sight of the passionate love that brought us together in the first place.

I can't control my marriage into perfection. I can't control my kids into perfection. I can't control my home into perfection. I can't control my faith into perfection. I can't control myself into perfection.

The very things I want to do, the very picture I have in my head of who I want to be, I so very rarely live up to. Why oh why am I so imperfect? And why oh why am I so critical and unforgiving of imperfection both in others and in myself?

This year I hope to learn to embrace IMPERFECTion.

This year I hope to love others who are IMPERFECT.

This year I hope to work on my own IMPERFECTions and be graceful with myself through that healing process.

This year I hope to not pretend I am perfect in an effort to be praised by others for my SUPER-WOMAN-ness.

This year I hope to lead with my IMPERFECTions.

This year I hope to seek and establish authentic community to hold me accountable in my IMPERFECTions, and to keep from feeling so lost and lonely. (Yea Angry Homemade Noodles LifeGroup!)

This year I hope to stop trying to personally control or manipulate IMPERFECTion.

This year I hope to see beauty in IMPERFECTion.

It should be an interesting ride.

Cupcake Purse

2009-01-03T11:57:00.001-06:00

You can read more about it here.

New Word for 2009

2009-01-01T16:46:00.000-06:00

IMPERFECT.

More on this later.

One More Great Song For The New Year - Say

2009-01-01T13:12:00.001-06:00

Fitting For The New Year - A New Creation

2009-01-01T12:58:00.002-06:00

I can't get enough of this song, and I've been meaning to share it on my blog. Today feels like a good day. Happy New Year. Celebrating fresh starts and the fact that we can be brand new creations in Christ!

New Creation from Pace Hartfield on Vimeo.

Free

2009-01-01T10:52:00.003-06:00

*I took this picture in Chicago. I never tire of looking at it. It gives me great hope.

FREE. You have been a good word for 2008.

I've labeled several posts with the word Free. If you care to see my journey with this word, you can click on that label.

I want to share something with you I wrote in my journal last March. Keep in mind this was before we had any idea that we would be moving from California, that Tony would be working at LifeChurch.tv and that I would be able to stop working and focus on being a mom (my heart's desire).

March 1, 2008 - This is a big year. I am fighting for FREEdom. FREEdom in doing and being what I feel God calling me to. I will turn 30 this year (which I did Aug. 11), Zoe will most likely start school (we have decided to homeschool) and I believe that in some capacity Tony will return to full-time ministry (he is now working at LifeChurch.tv with their Internet Campus). I want to be conscious of the passing of time, and not let the year sneak away without our dreams being revealed in actuality. I want to make the most of every day, grow every day, become closer to God every day. I want to be aware that a year of FREEdom is made up of tiny steps each day to becoming FREE. Each step makes me closer to the end goal. And also, I might add, I am not foolish enough to think that by the end of 2008 I will be completely FREE. I am well aware that I will be fighting for FREEdom for my heart and the hearts of others for some time, for my entire life in fact. But what I do hope to accomplish is to ingrain a spirit of FREEdom within me, so that my natural reactions become FREEdom choices. So that my thought process continually stems from what a FREE person would think. I want my whole mode of operation to be that of someone who believes they are FREE. That will be a major shift for me and life-changing no doubt.

I can confidentially say, at the end of 2008, I have been changed. And I have seen FREEdom spoken into my life, the life of my family and even the life of others.

There is great power in picking a word for your year. I first learned about it here from Ali. That girl eats, drinks and breathes inspiration.

So if you haven't already, I would consider picking a word for 2009. Pick it with great faith that you can speak it into your life and the life of those around you. You won't be disappointed. Here's a list of words if you need help picking one.

I'll be posting mine soon, once I have some time to put my thoughts together in a post. I'm excited to share it. It's not a word I ever expected to use, but I know it's going to be good.

One more thing, if you've enjoyed learning about FREE with me, I encourage you to check out my friend Amber's blog. She's picked FREE for her word this year, and I look forward to continuing to learn and grow by reading her insights.

Six-Week Study: Angry Homemade Noodles

2008-12-31T15:20:00.004-06:00

Alright fellow moms, as promised, here are the details for our upcoming six-week study. I am so anxious to get started!

We will meet on Monday nites at 8:00 PM Central (9:00 EST) for one hour starting Monday, January 12.

Our six-week study will, fittingly, be called:

Angry Homemade Noodles
Monday, January 12 - A Broken Record
Monday, January 19 - Name That Tune
Monday, January 26 - Self-Help is a Lie
Monday, February 2 - Just Breathe
Monday, February 9 - No More Lone Rangers
Monday, February 16 - Embracing Imperfection

It was that Angry Homemade Noodles blog post, afterall, that got me to own up publicly to some of the issues I am struggling with. And it was your comments that spurred this whole community into being. An exciting journey we are on now, and I am just holding on and anxiously awaiting to see where God takes us.

I am still unsure how I am going to facilitate our gatherings. I've though about doing a simple chat room via Meebo.com. I've also thought about doing live video via Ustream.tv. This would be me talking on web cam while all of us can simultaneously interact in a chat room. There is also TokBox.com where we could all be on video together and talking and chatting. This could be fun! I wasn't sure how many of you have web cameras though and if you'd be cool being seen. :) Do you guys have a preference? Let me know in the comments.

Since I do have a newborn, and life can be sort of unpredictable due to his schedule (or lack-there-of) I am afraid that if I leave it until our evening to share with you my thoughts, that Luther might be having an off-night and instead of hearing me, you'd just hear a crying baby. So I have decided that I will write up a blog post each week and post it before we meet. That way we will all be on the same page as to what we are going to discuss. I will come on Monday nites with some discussion questions to get the ball rolling. This will give us more time to learn from each other and pray for each other. Also, if anyone can't make it on Monday nites, you'll still be able to learn and jump in on conversation via my blog comments or our Facebook Group.

Oh yes, I haven't told you about that yet. I'm going to start a private Facebook Group for us. If you aren't on Facebook go now and sign-up and then be sure to add me as friend so I can invite you. Our Facebook Group will be a great place to encourage each other throughout the week, pray for each other, ask questions, carry on discussion, etc. I think it will be a useful piece in building our community.

As far as on my blog, I will label each blog post relating to this group with the label "LifeGroup." This is what the church I am a part of calls small groups like ours, and I think it's a good name, since we are a group of people gathering to do life together. So if you ever need to reference one of these posts, just click on the lable "LifeGroup" on the left sidebar of my blog.

Lastly, but most importantly, I must tell you that God is doing something here. I am not exaggerating when I say this group of women is nothing short of incredible. I think there may be something greater going on here than just a six-week study. There is passion in each one of you, a great passion to do something great, to be something great, and I think God wants to do something remarkable with each of us. This is just the beginning of something big. So please, invite any other women/moms you think might be interested. Link to this post on your blogs, invite friends on Facebook, extend the invitation. And then, let's all show up with great anticipation for what God is going to do!

The Little Book of Bridal Inspiration

2008-12-28T14:50:00.002-06:00

McKenzie, my baby sister (9 years younger) is getting married. I couldn't be more excited for her. I wanted to create something for her that would be helpful as she plans her wedding and her life together with Amos. This was what I came up with...a little book for her to collect and record all sorts of bridal inspiration that comes her way. I gave it to her for Christmas.

The heart is cut out of felt and then I stitched on top of it. And the book is bound with a ribbon.

The Love Notes page is a library pocket, so she could tuck some small love notes in here if she wanted.

I made some pages for my book out of cut-up baseball card page protectors, then I just tucked photos inside. I learned this technique from Ali.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ways Amos makes her laugh.

I cut up some old Anthropologie magazines for some of the book's pages.

Who doesn't enjoy a little secret note tucked away for safe keeping?

The Images that Inspire Me page is a pocket, so she can tuck images inside.

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-24T22:25:00.000-06:00

Christmas Peeks

2008-12-23T16:06:00.003-06:00

Been taking a lot of photos around here:

Yummy Chocolate Candy Cane Cookies.

All the different cookies we made this year:

Notice the bright icing. I learned about how to make bold, bright colors from this highly creative woman.

I guess proper icing etiquette would have you stick out your pinky as you ice.

Pay no attention to this though. Licking does not fall under proper etiquette guidelines.

The pink ribbon, if worn tied in a knot on the side of your head, ensures your manhood while guaranteeing you the title of "Icing Ninja."

Unwrapping the caramel Hershey kisses is a beloved activity by my kids, especially since I promise they get to eat a couple for every batch we complete.

My friend Allison told me last year about her kids making gifts for each other. I thought it was such a cool idea that we tried it this year. This is what my girls made for each other, and they totally loved the process. I like that they have to think about someone else and put real effort and creativity into caring for them. My friend Brandie suggested letting kids wrap the presents themselves, so they also did that. So cute. And they are dying to see each other open them.

I too tried to make some gifts this year. These are for Charis and Nehemiah. I finished up Zoe's owl last nite, but didn't get a chance to photograph it yet. I love how they turned out, and I used Syndee's embellishments for my pattern. Maybe I'll write up a short tutorial sometime for the Scrap Girls newsletter about how I made them. So cool to used digital scrapbooking supplies this way...But they were seriously easy and hard to mess up.

Then I made this for Baby Luther. I got the idea/pattern from this inspiring woman. She also suggested putting a jingle bell in it as you're stuffing it, which I did. It makes a sweet little jingle now as you shake it...or as Nehemiah throws it as hard as he can at you. The cute little animals I found in this book by Aranzi Aronzo.

I wanted to knit Tony a scarf, but it was a little too much to take on both learning how to knit and creating my first knitting project all within a couple weeks before Christmas. HA! I'm way too ambitious for my own good sometimes. I must say though, I've enjoyed the process of creating gifts for others this year. It's something I'd like to continue in years to come. Maybe even plan a little better for it, so I get started earlier. There is just something special about pouring my time, love and creativity into a gift to give to someone I love. It feels so much more special to me then to pick up something off a shelf that I'm not even sure if they'd like. Finances motivated me to do it this year, to keep Christmas buying costs down, but I fell in love with the process. It didn't hurt that I was taking Elsie's class at the same time, and she was throwing buckets of inspiration at us. I'll share a few other pictures after the holidays. I don't want to ruin my sister's present by posting it here too soon.

Also, wanted to be sure to share this post with you. John Eldredge was a professor of mine in Colorado for my last semester of school. Christianity truly came to life and became FREEing once I met this man and heard his heart. Anyway, he has some great thoughts on Christmas that are worth reading. I love how he talks about Christ's coming as a "rescue with fierce intention." The ultimate display of "FREEdom" and restoration. This time of year I love celebrating the idea of "collective redemption" as Obama would call it and all because of the birth of Christ.

Now Tony's parents are here for a few days and we are relaxing, making yummy food and enjoying each other's company. We'll get to be with his brother and family as well on Christmas day. It's going to be a simply beautiful holiday filled with delights. I hope yours is as well.

Excited to Hang With You All

2008-12-22T15:38:00.002-06:00

I haven't forgotten about all of you that said you'd be interested in joining me for 6 weeks of encouragement, prayer, and sharing as moms. In fact, I've been thinking about you all a lot. I've been blown away by the positive response and can't wait to introduce you all to each other. I glean wisdom from so many of you, so it'll be fun to connect you all. I'm putting together the topics we'll discuss for the six weeks. I was just working on it last nite actually. Like I mentioned before, it's just stuff God is revealing to me. I hope it will be able to help you as well in your journey as a mom...and I hope you'll come ready to help flesh out my topics, because it will be much richer with you all participating and not me just yacking at you. I NEED you. We NEED each other.

I hope to post times, dates, topics and other relevant info sometime after Christmas. So check back here for the details.

And don't hesitate to invite any other women you think would benefit from our time together. Anyone is welcome.

That Warm Christmas Spirit

2008-12-18T11:53:00.004-06:00

It's beginning to look, or feel, a lot like Christmas around here. We have Christmas music playing and we're baking cookies today.

I've found the perfect way for a boy to participate. He gets to bash the candy canes with a rolling pin.

And then they look something like this when he's done.

Zoe informed me that baking cookies is NOT playing, and therefore I haven't played with her at all today yet. I guess she doesn't count flinging around flour and sugar as a fun time.

And just because I am in the mood to post a lot of photos today, here's some shots from around our home.

I recently hung black and white photos of our kids in our living room. I love the simplistic yet bold statement that a black and white photo can make. And I love the warmness a room carries when there are beautiful family members displayed on its walls.

I helped the kids make festive streamers for their bedroom doorways. We just circle-punched some bright colored patterned paper and glued them to strings.

Our Christmas colors aren't very traditional. The streamers match our ornaments. They also match our icing colors for our cookies, which I'll have to post later. I'm into these bright colors right now.

That's all for now, a certain 5-year-old needs me to "play" with her.

Wabi-Sabi, The Way I See It

2008-12-16T22:32:00.005-06:00

I was introduced to wabi-sabi when I was reading Living Out Loud by Keri Smith. These are the phrases that stuck out to me as I was reading her description of the term:

Less is more.
Imperfection.
Willingness to accept things as they are.
Slow down to take notice.
Hidden things.
Transformed.
Impermanence.
Details in everyday life.
Could be dismissed as ugly but instead deemed valuable.
Value what is in the moment.

What is more, Keri says, "If you like control, it takes courage and trust to practice wabi-sabi."

And let me just tell you, I like control. (Now that is another blog post right there!)

For instance if I see something like this on the floor (*note photo below of chipped wooden circles and shiny plastic stars), and no little kids are playing with it because they're are on to the next game and have not cleaned up their mess, a slight panic sets in. Ack! A mess! Whatever shall we do with it? Blood pressure rises, the shakes set in. Okay, I'm exaggerating here. But only a little. :)

But wabi-sabi would have me do as I did today. Stopping my hand in its motion to reach to pick these toys up and restore them to their rightful place. Stopping my voice from yelling out, "Come clean up your toys." Instead I stared at them until I was able to look past the ugly and discover the colorful. Suddenly the pile of junk turned into something lovely, right before my eyes, almost magically. And for a mere second I grasped the meaning of wabi-sabi.

And I think, once you grasp it once, it gets easier to notice it again, in other places.

It becomes delightful to see if you can trick your controlling self into finding beauty in the messes of life. It also, I would imagine, makes for one much less up-tight mom, for which all the Steward kids give three cheers.

It's a training process to see beauty instead of ashes, and I hope to develop the discipline so I can enjoy each and every lovely moment life brings our way.

Do you practice wabi-sabi in your life? How?

I've Gotten a Taste...I Want More: An Invitation

2008-12-14T13:13:00.002-06:00

It seems that my emotions are much more even-keel now. I feel normal - and by normal I mean, normal for what i think a mom of little kids must feel. I went to my 6-week check-up and my body has healed well, and I feel like I'm ready to rock and roll with life again.

I've been so encouraged by the advice and support I've gotten from so many of you, that I wanted to throw out an idea. Would anyone be interested in connecting once a week online? I would be happy to lead us through a six-week discussion on some of what God has been teaching me as a mom and as a follower of Christ. We could pray for each other, offer advice for struggles we are going through and encourage each other over habits we're striving to make or break in our lives. I'm very timid to offer such an experience because I feel so unequipped to lead as I'm learning so incredibly much right now about how much I still have to learn. But I sense God moving, and I sense some of you could use a community like I've come to value here on my blog.

I don't want to keep all this goodness for myself - I really feel like you all play a HUGE part in why I'm feeling so much better today. There is great strength in knowing you are not alone in your weakness.

I'm thinking we would start meeting sometime in January, after the US Holiday season has passed. Anyone is welcome to be a part, just let me know in the comments if it interests you or if you have any further feedback. I know, specifically as a mom, it can be difficult to find the time outside of your home to spend with other women. I hope we can bridge that gap in our lives, and bring that community into our homes via the web. There is a wealth of wisdom and love and support that God wants to bring to us. We don't need to feel alone, and we certainly don't need to feel stuck. God wants to bring us into an intimate relationship with Him where He whisks us off our feet and dances us around through life. I believe we can help each other experience that sort of FREEing life with Him.

I've gotten a taste...I want more. Will you consider joining me for six weeks?

Catching Up and Making Healing Choices

2008-12-11T16:30:00.005-06:00

My parents were visiting us for the last week. It was wonderful. After going a whole year without seeing them, it was great to get to catch up in person, and I loved watching my kids interact with them.

I'm especially grateful that they were here while my kids were sick. What first seemed like unfortunate circumstances ended up being quite perfect. I'm not sure I was prepared to deal with throwing up kids and a nursing baby all alone. I was relieved to have the help, even though it did cut into our plans for the week a bit.

But the Steward household is healthy now, my parents are on the road returning to Ohio, and I am jumping back on the blogging train.

And of course, bookworm that I've been lately, I'm posting to tell you about yet another book called Life's Healing Choices.

I first learned about this book from Tony, who received it from his friend who happens to be the author's son. The author is a pastor at Saddleback Church which we were members of in California. He leads the Celebrate Recovery ministry.

Tony started reading the book in our last month or so of being in California and said it was incredible. He hasn't had a chance to pick it back up since our move, and I kept passing by the book in our home and thinking, I really need to read that.

With my struggles, that have only been amplified by adding a fourth child into our life, I began to seek out advice, and I felt God drawing me to pick up this book. And finally I heeded.

And wow. It's exactly what I need. It's an incredible testimony to a living, breathing God, because the words on the pages mirror almost exactly the words I've been writing in my journal as I've been processing my life and how to better it. I want to make better choices. I do. You probably do too. And this book lays out a plan for just that, a plan that you can't possibly do on your own.

Incredible, incredible healing lies within the pages of this book due to the power of Jesus Christ. And I'm only on chapter 4.

I would have previously written off this book as only for someone with "real" problems...a sort of alcoholic's anonymous type book. Prideful...I know. Now as I'm delving into it I'm realizing I AM that person with "real" problems. How was I so blind to them before? How was I so arrogant to think I had my act together?

In reality this book is for humanity. We all struggle with some sort of "hang-up, habit or hurt." Don't we?

Remember how to play?

2008-12-02T13:00:00.008-06:00

I enjoyed quietly watching Charis today as she played with a bucket and a wooden spoon in our backyard. She was singing at the top of her lungs hitting it like a drum when I first decided to get my camera. And soon thereafter, the bucket became a hat.

I was so touched by the creativity and playful spirit of my child. I need to figure out how to tap into that. How to become more and more childlike. As adults we become way too aware of other people and way too concerned about what they think. We start to alter our living so we fit into a mold. I'm afraid at times we completely forget how to actually let go and play. I want to remember how. I think it's key to becoming FREE.

Thankful for YOU - A Community of Encouragers

2008-11-29T16:17:00.002-06:00

Thankful For A Community of Encouragers from Mandy Steward on Vimeo.

My first video! Just wanted to thank you all for the awesome, overwhelming response to this recent post.

Thanksgiving Love, Christmas Decorating, and The Journey

2008-11-29T12:55:00.006-06:00

*Thanks to Tony for all the photos you see in this post. I love it that he's getting behind the camera more and more. He's got such a great eye for shots, and he captures things I wouldn't think to.

I survived my first ever attempt at preparing a Thanksgiving meal. No, actually, I think "survived" is the wrong word. I nailed it. I can only be this sure of myself because my husband kept complimenting me...even the day after Thanksgiving as he warmed up leftovers for lunch. This is a BIG deal for me, because I've never seen anyone cook an entire Thanksgiving meal, including a 13 lb. turkey. I had to do lots of research ahead of time, watching videos on Food TV and gathering advice from all of you seasoned cooks. I almost felt like all of you were in the kitchen with me (which was slightly intimidating at times, but for the most part quite helpful.)

We watched Princess Bride while we waited on family to arrive. This is not a Thanksgiving tradition, but I would be okay if it turned into one. I love that movie.

The best part of the day however was getting to enjoy it with family. So thankful that my brother and sister-in-law and my two nieces were able to visit for the holiday. It's been a couple years since we've been able to see family on the holidays, so this was so special. Made my heart happy to see my kids playing with their cousins. AND, thanks to Skype, we managed to see/talk with both mine and Tony's family. What did we ever do without video chat?

Of course Nehemiah managed to figure out a way to include running in our day. If he wasn't chasing his sisters here, you can be sure he was at some point.

The day after Thanksgiving we decorated our Christmas tree. I think I only hung like three ornaments. The kids did great.

We also watched Charlie Brown's Christmas and some family videos from California (sigh). Tony and I ended the night sipping coffee and hot chocolate and feeling a bit sad that time flies by so fast. Our kids are already so much bigger than they were when we first arrived to California, and we, as parents and followers of Christ, are being changed and developed so much. We decided God has us on quite an interesting journey.

Homemade Noodles and Mood Swings

2008-11-24T17:33:00.003-06:00

This is how I spent today.

It looks so artistic and domestic and calm, doesn't it? Making homemade noodles for Thanksgiving.

If you could only have a sound-byte of what all occurred while these noodles were being created. Oh dear, it was a hard day.

I really don't think it has anything to do with having four kids. I could be wrong, but I don't think sheer numbers is the problem.

I think I'm the problem. I can't seem to shake this cloud of anger hovering over me. I can't seem to relax. I can't seem to enjoy the moments of our day. And really, I should be, because they are very precious, very fleeting moments. I know this. In my heart I know how I need to be responding to my children. I know the mom I want to be. And sometimes I feel like I'm hovering over myself, watching myself behave the very way I wish I wasn't.

I'm wondering if I'm dealing with postpartum depression or the baby blues. I'm not familiar with this, but I guess it would make sense. Anyone have any experience with that? After a week or so of this, I feel prayed out, and I feel helpless to change my emotions as they swing all over the place, and I feel disappointed that I can't get my act together. I wonder if this is normal? More importantly I wonder how long it will last. And above all, I wish I knew how to give God control so I could start feeling consistently happy again. Do I just need to be thankful for His grace right now or is there more I could be doing to change my attitude?

I can say I am looking forward to eating these noodles with family in a couple days. So much ENERGY went into them that they can't help but taste amazing. And maybe I'll be on an emotional up-swing by then. Here's hoping.

Dreams From My Father

2008-11-24T16:24:00.005-06:00

This is an incredible book. (Thanks to Duregger for suggesting it to me.) I don't know how many times I said out loud while reading this, "I can't believe this man is our president." And I mean that in a positive way.

His story, as he seeks to make sense of his family roots and figure out who he is in the midst of that, is both heart-warming and tragic. He struggles with the pain he sees in peoples' lives (including his own), and has a deep drive to alleviate that pain, not just on the surface, but at the root of its cause. I find it inspiring. And I find it amazing that he has made it to where he is today. What a journey.

My favorite phrase from the book is "Collective Redemption." Love the idea that we, and by we I mean all of humanity, are just after the same thing...redemption. I think this is so true, and I think it's where the saving power of Jesus Christ comes into play so beautifully.

This is my favorite quote from the book. Very thought provoking: "There were many churches, many faiths. There were times, perhaps, when those faiths seemed to converge...but such moments were partial, fragmentary. With our eyes closed, we uttered the same words, but in our hearts we each prayed to our own masters...One man's certainty always threatened another's."

I also appreciated learning about a sermon Obama was touched by called "The Audacity of Hope." A beautiful sermon about not giving up, despite all odds. And no doubt where Obama got the title and basis of his next book.

Obama certainly has a way with words, both written and verbal. What a talent. I enjoyed learning more about him and getting a better grasp on where his vision stems from.

Just For Us

2008-11-20T10:26:00.002-06:00

This is one of the little guy's favorite places. Riding on Mommy in the sling. He's quite cozy in there, all folded up like I'm sure he was in utero. And he sings when he's in there - those soft baby coos that melt your heart. Pretty sweet.

Yesterday we surpassed my official due-date. I've never had to experience carrying a baby past my due-date, and I hope I never do. It's much more fun to get to meet the little person earlier than you expected.

I wanted to share a wonderful memory from the day he was born. Something I had almost forgotten until, when reading a random book with my kids, the memory was triggered - thankfully.

As Tony and I were driving to the hospital in the wee hours of the morning, we basically had the road to ourself. The drive was a short 10 minutes, and I was feeling fine at the time. Tony reached over and grabbed my hand and said something to the effect of, "This is it babe. We get to meet the little guy really soon. We finally get to meet little Luther." I smiled and nodded in nervous excitement. Yes, soon. As we both looked out the window in front of us, a shooting star scooted across the black sky.

"Did you see that?" I asked Tony. "I think that was a shooting star."
"Yes, I think it was."
"That was from God." I said, "Just for us."

And I really believe that. How intimate is our God that He would send us shooting stars as we're off to face the labor and delivery of our fourth child? I took it to heart. I claimed it as my own. I guess I'm child-like enough to believe He put it there special just for us. And I felt a warm comfort rush over me. A gentle reminder that someone bigger is in control and He loves us.

Some Things I've Been Thinking About...

2008-11-14T17:26:00.002-06:00

First off, can I just say that having a baby is one of the most amazing things in the world. It's just as fresh and new and amazing to me this time, even though it's my fourth time going through this process. I feel so blessed that Tony and I have gotten to experience this a fourth time.

What I'm most noticing this time is how drastically slower life gets with a new little person around. Slower as my body takes time to recover, slower as I must stop whatever I'm doing every 2.5 - 3 hours to nurse the wee little guy, slower as I have to stop and take naps, slower as life gains perspective and the things of importance (family, people, life itself, God the brilliant creator, etc.) surface to the top. I'm noticing things about my other three kids that I hadn't noticed before, I'm noticing things about myself, I'm noticing things about my husband and realizing all over again just how deeply in love with this man I am. It's as if having a baby (and I'm sure the added influx of hormones, and thereby emotions, doesn't hurt) takes a veil off of my eyes and allows me a much clearer vision. I totally love that.

Some other things on my mind:

Homeschooling. We're really going to give it a shot. I'm hoping God provides some women to come alongside me and help me through the process, but I do feel like it's something we're supposed to at least attempt. I was getting terribly overwhelmed by it, but I took some time last nite to journal and pray, and God has restored peace in my heart about it all. Today I found a short article here about how to find out State Curriculum Guidelines. I feel much more prepared to take this on since I now know, on a general basis, what children typically learn in each grade. Very helpful. And I get excited to think about adding my own creative approach to it, especially since I know my kids better than anyone. Please feel free to speak up in the comments if you have any insight to add to a beginner in homeschooling.

The Gentle Art of Domesticity. This book has been my reading material during the past week. The chapters are very short and the photos are amazing. It has been an easy book to pick up and read in short bursts, which works perfectly for a nursing mama. It's an amazing book about how creative and artistic being a mom/wife can actually be, as you seek to feed into your home. Loved this book! Very inspiring.

The Holidays and Family and Food and Gifts. Been thinking a lot about Christmas gifts and holiday meals that I want to make for family. (Both my parents and Tony's parents get to come visit us in December, and Tony's brother and family just moved less than two hours away from us!) Been working on some creations here and there, as much as my limited time permits. And hey, does anyone know a tasty/easy link on how to cook a turkey. Somehow I've managed to make it through 8 years of marriage without cooking a turkey. This Thanksgiving, I'm hoping to change that.

Introducing...

2008-11-10T15:38:00.004-06:00

Luther Wayne Steward. He was born at 5:33 AM on November 8. He is our biggest baby at 8 oz and 20.5 inches long.

I'm so excited about his name. As many of you know, the word I picked for 2008 is "FREE." I've tried to focus my year on discovering what exactly it means to become FREE, in every sense of the word. It has, you could say, been our family's mantra for 2008. When Tony and I were deciding on a name for this little guy we came across "eLEUTHERia" which is the Greek word for Freedom. We decided to take the name "Luther" from that. Also, of course there is great strength and history in the names Martin Luther and Martin Luther King Jr. who both fought for freedom in different ways. So you could say we are naming this little guy "freedom."

Wayne is a family name. We like to choose our middle names this way as family and heritage are so important to us.

Can't tell you how happy we are to have this little one join us. My family came to pick Luther and I up today from the hospital, and we are getting settled in at home. Feels SOOOO good to be all cozy at home.

I've put a BUNCH of photos up on Flickr if you want to see more of the little guy. Check them out here. Thanks for all the encouraging emails, Facebook messages, texts, phone calls, visits, gifts, meals, etc. We feel thoroughly loved on and oh so blessed.

Update on our California Home

2008-11-06T16:17:00.002-06:00

Just spoke to our Property Manager and the family did officially move into and sign a new lease on our home in California. All is well! Thank you Jesus! If you don't know what I'm talking about, you can read this older post. We should be receiving our security deposit back in the mail next week with a memo that says our lease has been terminated. Talk about feeling FREE! Much rejoicing here today! Thank you again for all of you who have prayed for us and encouraged us.

A wonderful book - The Creative Family

2008-11-04T11:20:00.003-06:00

I've followed Amanda Soule's blog for awhile, but only just recently managed to get my hands on her book -

The Creative Family: How to Encourage Imagination and Nurture Family Connections

I was on a waiting list at the library and finally my turn was up. I read through 9 chapters last nite, only 3 more to go. It's THAT good. It's filled with great photos and patterns, not to mention LOTS of practical and inexpensive creative ideas to implement with family. She is showing me how it is possible to be a mom and an artist simultaneously by getting more creative with my parenting. I just can't say enough good about this book right now and wanted to be sure I shared.

Happy Halloween!

2008-10-31T18:45:00.001-05:00

Quick to Speak, Slow to Listen

2008-10-28T15:58:00.002-05:00

I'm afraid that typically, I am fairly quick to speak and slow to listen with my kids. I like to think that I'm getting better at this. At least I know that it's my tendency, so I can start getting better.

I'm having a poopy day today (not sure why), so I'm especially not good at listening. I hear my son chucking something at his door. (He's supposed to be taking a nap.) I go to open his door to check in on the chaos, but I can't get the door open except for a crack. He has moved his entire bed in front of the door, along with a chair and now he is sitting in the middle of his floor tossing wooden blocks at the door. I wanted to yell, "You're supposed to be napping. What do you think you're doing?" But something grabbed a hold of my vocal cords and silenced them. I only wished this something (perhaps the Holy Spirit?) silenced me more often.

Calmly, (It was a choice to be calm. I'm still not sure how I mustered the patience for it.) I forced my way into his room and sat down beside him on the floor. "What are you doing, Buddy?"

He proceeded to tell me in his sweet little, passionate voice, that he was keeping the monsters out. He had put a fortress up against the door so that he would be safe. I'm not sure if he intended on climbing back into the bed to actually sleep once all danger was held off, but no matter, his story had gripped my heart.

As I helped him move his bed back, put away the blocks and assure him there were no monsters in the hall, it dawned on me how much I must miss out on truly getting to know the hearts of other people because I'm so slow to listen. How many people are battling monsters and yet they never get a chance to express their fears or ask for help because no one will slow down and listen?

Being slow to listen is a result of a hurried spirit.

Being slow to listen is a result of selfishness.

Being slow to listen says I want to be in control.

After the room was put back in order, I held his hand and walked him over to my bedroom, where he could sleep within eyesight of me. He immediately, literally within seconds, was asleep. The monsters were no longer attacking him. The fear has been silenced. He had been listened to.

Donald Miller, Voting, and Civil Conversation

2008-10-27T15:58:00.003-05:00

So glad Tony and I managed to get registered to vote in Oklahoma just in time.

I've been going back and forth, back and forth, back and forth on my decision with how I'll cast my vote for president. I found this video today and enjoyed hearing one of my favorite authors, Donald Miller, speak on his opinions about the Democratic Party, from his Christian perspective.

These days, I find myself most excited about hearing political talk that is actually civil (so much of it is highly emotional and negatively-charged), and I think he does a great a job of being civil in this short video.

Classes I'm Taking

2008-10-27T15:45:00.004-05:00

Super excited to have signed up for two new online classes offered by two artists I have met in person and greatly admire. I've been brainstorming and journaling a lot about my own journey as an artist, and think these classes will be a great next step for me. Online classes are perfect for a stay at home mom and an intense learner, like myself.

This class by Elsie:

And this class by Jessica:

As far as I know, both classes are still open, so run and sign-up if they at all interest you. It'd be fun to have other people I know in on the same classes.

The Ask, and What I Learned

2008-10-23T09:46:00.004-05:00

About a month or so before our family moved to Oklahoma we made a difficult decision. We were in a money crisis. A series of events involving job layoffs, clients leaving, etc. had us living almost solely on credit cards. We knew a job change was in the near future, but we had about two months to survive until we would be seeing a steady paycheck.

We felt like God was leading us to ask for financial help. It was a VERY hard thing to do because it was a VERY humbling thing to do. We avoided doing it for awhile. We put it off. We wrote the letter and never sent it. But God kept bringing back to the forefront. It was the next step He wanted us to take. And it was very clear, because up until that time God had provided for us. Even though we never had a secure steady paycheck during our two years in California, we always had enough. And then the provision stopped, suddenly it just dried up. We were living on credit cards and made our first ever late rent payment in the history of our marriage. God didn't disappear though, He just was asking us to handle things in a new way. He was asking us to ask for help.

So we made the ask. We emailed friends and family a letter that had been edited and re-edited many times. We were so nervous at what people might think of us, but we knew we had to be faithful to what God was asking of us.

The purpose of this blog post is that I wanted to share with you what I learned from all of this. If you need the abridged version, just read what's in bold:

When God calls you to do something difficult, Satan will try and convince you that you're out of your mind. He'll prey on your doubts, put new doubts in your head, and discount what you were sure was God's voice. (Some of my doubts were, The economy is bad and no one has money to give right now. People will judge us. People will think we're wanting pity. People will think we got ourself into this mess and should get ourself out. ) Notice how much Satan made me worry about what others would think of us!
Don't edit, revise or cut back on what you think God is asking of you. As I was putting together the email addresses of who to send our letter to, I kept trying to edit out names. Thinking oh, this person won't have any money right now, or this person will judge us, or this person won't understand. It was really hard to just stick with the whole list. I realized if I started editing, I'd end up with no one to send it to. So I stuck with the full list of names.
You will be blessed by people you least expected to be blessed by. I was amazed at the people who gave sacrificially to us. People that I knew didn't have a lot of money to give and yet gave anyway. We were also blessed by letters of encouragement from those who couldn't afford to give. They came along side us and let us know they were experiencing similar hard times. There was great strength in knowing we were not in it alone and that we could pray for each other.
There will be opposition. Then of course there were those who didn't approve of the letter we sent or were put-off by it. I will say these were few and far between, but they were hard to stomach nonetheless. Sometimes opposition will even come from the people you thought would be most supportive. This too is hard, but there are always critics in life. What I learned is that if your conviction to do something comes from God, no opposition can bring you down. If you know, that you know, that you know that God wants you to do something, you'll have peace about it.
It's humbling. Every time another check or PayPal gift came in we were humbled yet again. Making the ask was humbling, but receiving the gifts was just as humbling. The realization that someone is sacrificing on your behalf and there is no way you can repay them...wow. I lost a lot of pride through this process.
There came a revelation that God's doing something here, and it's bigger than us. Through this process we realized just how vast and deep the body of Christ actually is. Too often we try to be independent, self-sufficient, when what God really created us for was community. This ask ended up being less about us and more about the body of Christ in action. It was neat to feel like we were a part of a movement much bigger than ourself and our debt. We felt embraced by a community and warmly surrounded, rather than suffering alone in silence.
We witnessed miracles. While our credit card debt was not erased through this process, it was altered. (We continue to pray for miracles on this matter. :) We were able to stop living on a credit card and pay our monthly utility bills. On top of that, we had the much needed immediate cash to pay our California rent and to secure a new home to rent in Oklahoma, where Tony was accepting a new job. We also saw, through the power of prayer, our home in California rented to another family, which saved us over $9000 we would have been responsible for to buy out our lease. Incredible things done, outside the realm of what we could have EVER accomplished on our own.
People enjoy helping. For the most part, friends and family like to know about when your hurting...they also like to know what they can do to help. Giving a clear picture of what we needed allowed others to take action on our behalf. Their lives were blessed by being a blessing to us. Cool how that works.
Our openness inspired others. This probably shocked me more than anything. I never dreamed that our "ask" would inspire others to make similar asks in their lives. A handful of people emailed us and shared with us how our openness and transparency freed them up to be transparent in their own lives. That is just so very cool. I'm so thankful our hard situation could FREE up others.
I sooooo long to help others. Being blessed by so many has left me with this insatiable urge to want to be able to bless others. I have started including in my prayer life an ask to God to bless our family so that we may in turn be able to bless others. I so long to be able to give back to others in need as I've seen so many do for us. I believe, with time, when we're ready to handle it, He'll give our family this opportunity. I can't wait.

Nana Reading Books to My Kids

2008-10-22T15:24:00.004-05:00

My mom, affectionately known as "Nana" by my kids, lives 900 some miles away from us, but she still manages to read books to my kids every now and then. Sure it's not as cuddly as being on the same couch, but it's pretty dang cool.

We use Skype to videochat, and she's really good about showing the pictures. My girls really enjoy it. Thanks Mom!

My Day

2008-10-16T19:10:00.002-05:00

Woke up at 6:30 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. After a warm shower, I spent some time journaling, talking to God, reading a chapter in this book.

Found out the hard way that Charis may not be ready to learn to read yet. After many tears today (her tears, not mine), I decided to put the reading lessons away for her for awhile. I told her we would bring them back when she is ready. She LOVES to make up her own stories, but just has no interest in devoting the time to learn the sounds of the actual letters. Ah well, her imagination is delightful...and she is a year younger than Zoe. All in time.

After some breakfast, reading and watercolor painting, there was a ball here this morning and Beauty and her Beast were nice enough to attend.

I spent some time brainstorming, playing, creating...hoping it all manifests into a Christmas Collection for Scrap Girls. Also finished layouts for an upcoming Scrap Girls Club. Nice to have those behind me!

We spent a little time at our neighborhood park. No photos, but picture in your mind stuffed animals sliding down the slides, starbursts being shared by a friendly neighborhood 4-yr-old girl and Charis jumping into the mud that I asked her not to.

Before naps we all worked together to make a pie. I just pulled it out of the oven. Man, does it smell delicious. I found the recipe here.

Looking forward to cuddling up with this book later tonite. And maybe a slice of the aforementioned apple pie, perhaps with a scoop of vanilla ice cream.

Baby is moving LIKE CRAZY. This is by far the most active child I have had in the womb. Incredibly strong and active. Can't wait to meet him!

Nesting

2008-10-10T00:10:00.007-05:00

I wish I could bottle up the energy I have had ever since our moving truck showed up on Saturday evening. I am chalking it up to being in my 8th month of pregnancy and therefore in serious nesting mode.

I think the only thing that is left in a box is my printer. I've been chugging along at breakneck speed and my kids have been helping out a lot. Tony of course has been busy working to help us pay for this lovely place we are now calling home.

I've been asked by a few people to share some pictures, so I took a bunch and put them up on Flickr. You can see them here. (This is the first I've sat down at my computer for any length of time since it's been set up. I'm hoping to get back into the swing of things next week.)

I'm sure there will be a lot more tweaking and settling in as time goes by, but this is where our home is at for now. It's quite cozy and we're falling in love with it ever so quickly. I didn't take pictures of the kids' rooms yet. One because they were napping today when I was snapping photos. Two because I'm still setting their rooms up. I finished up painting a dresser for the boys' room today and it should be dry tomorrow to bring inside and start filling with newborn baby clothes. (And yes I had lots of ventilation and non-smelly paint.)

I already know two great thrift store locations in town, and have snagged a few cool finds for our home including baskets, a kiddie chair, a wagon etc. I've been dead set lately on trying to buy from thrift stores vs. buying new, at least whenever possible. But I think that's another blog post for another time.

For now, let me share a few of the pictures of the house tour:

Living Room: Opted to keep TV out of this room. Very happy with this decision. Re-painted antique crate top and using as a coffee table. The living area, kitchen and dining room make up the middle of the house. These are sandwiched by two bedrooms and a bath on each side of the house. So Tony and I have our "wing" and the kids have their "wing." Really like this lay out.

Master Bedroom: We had a lot of space so we put the TV and a little sitting area in here.

Kitchen: I love it. Except for the electric oven. It's going to take some getting used to. I have burned more food in this stupid thing then I care to mention. I miss my gas oven badly!

Tony had the idea of putting the bookshelf under the counter. It's full of kids books and it's right next to the bean bag chair in the living room. I love that our kids have easy access to snuggle in with a good book.

Oh, and there was some cookie baking going on this evening. They made me leave the light on so they could watch the entire baking process. The smell filling the house was the best part. That and the fact that I didn't burn them!

Studio: The fourth bedroom we're making an office/studio. I'm way excited to have work out of the main living area of our house and in its own separate room. Not sure what all this room will become, but the artist in me is smiling at the possibilities.

If you want to see more photos, go here. And if you have any questions feel free to leave a comment.

I'm off to bed. I'm totally still on California time and I have a doctor's appointment I have to wake for in the morning. I think it's about time I figure out who my OB is and where the hospital is that I'll be delivering this little guy...don't you?

Getting "settled" in Oklahoma

2008-09-30T14:46:00.003-05:00

We finally made it to Oklahoma. The drive from California took us two days. Our kids were champs at traveling, the scenery was pretty (California, Arizona, New Mexico, Texas and Oklahoma) and we all crashed each night when we finally made it to a hotel.

We got the keys to our new home Monday (yesterday) morning! The carpets were still wet from being cleaned and the lawn was being cut when we arrived. So happy to see this home "in person" as we had only seen it in pictures. It's going to be a wonderful home for us.

We are still awaiting our moving truck, which is scheduled to show up Thursday or Friday. I think we should know for sure tomorrow when it will be here. I'm hoping for Thursday. My pregnant body can only take so much of sleeping on air mattresses and sitting around on the floor. I am feeling so sore today. I need some furniture...not to mention something to do with my time - like "nest" in a new home. I'm dying to make it our own and resume some sort of normal life schedule.

I miss California. I intensely miss our friends. I miss the palms trees, the beach, etc. But I am at the very same time, excited to see what God has for us here. Excited to start developing new friendships, to start learning and growing as a part of a new church, to figure out what life looks like for the Stewards in OK. And of course, excited to meet a new member of our family in just a little over a month. ACK! Can't believe we're going to have a baby that soon!

As for our rental home in California, thanks to all of you who prayed for us. I just spoke with the family this morning who was interested in our home and they officially signed a new lease on our CA home that will begin Oct. 20! This is an incredible blessing from God, and one we do not take lightly. This will save us thousands of dollars, as we were going to have to buy out our lease if no one committed to renting it. We are so humbled that God has worked this out for us. Amazing. Thanks for praying on our behalf and for encouraging us that it would, in fact, all work out. It seems God has paved a way for us, and we can't deny His hand in our life.

More later as this next chapter in our life begins to unfold.

Still waiting...Still packing...Still praying

2008-09-23T00:27:00.003-05:00

No for sure news yet on our home. Maybe tomorrow? Ack, the suspense is killing me. We do appreciate all the prayers on our behalf though. I'm really hoping I can post a positive, for-sure, set-in-stone update before my computer has to be packed.

Very productive day today in packing land. The entire kitchen and lots of other weird sized odds and ends, like planting pots, infant car seat, globe, etc were lovingly shoved into boxes. We ate LOTS of ice cream at lunch today, so I could unplug and clean out the refrigerator. No sense repeating this tragedy again!

I'm so sore and so tired. I had good intentions of trying to finish up some Scrap Girls related work, but I think that might just have to wait until after the move. I can only do so much, plus I've got to try and be a nice mommy at the same time.

I do have two kid-related things to share though:

One - I'm amazed at how imaginative my kids have been since the majority of their toys have been packed. Today I had all the windows and doors open in the house (it was a beautiful Southern California day) and they ran in and out all day playing all sorts of make-believe games. This is by far some of the best play I've seen them do, and there were very few fights. I knew they had it in them! No wonder I had a productive day. Tony and I are wondering if we should even bother unpacking the toys when we get to Oklahoma.

Two - Last nite was our last time attending our church before we move. Afterwards, it was dark as we were heading to our car and I said to Nehemiah, "Do you see any stars?"
"Just one," He said, pointing to it.
"I only see one too. I wonder where all the other stars are?"
"Oklahoma," he said.
I laughed so hard. I wonder if he thinks I packed the stars too?

Our Thank You Jesus Party!

2008-09-21T15:49:00.003-05:00

I mentioned in my previous post that I was having my kids join me in praying that God would provide someone to lease our home in CA so we would be FREE to go to OK. It is totally looking like that is going to happen. We should know for sure by tomorrow (Monday). Especially cool since our moving truck shows up on Wednesday.

One of the things our kids talked about is having a "Thank You Jesus Party" if our house rented. The party hats were a must. So today, as we head off to hang out with close friends at a going-away party in our behalf, we are going with Thank You Jesus hats intact. Afterall, we promised God He'd get all the glory, and we are SO VERY THANKFUL!

Thanks for your prayers on our family's behalf.

The Persistent Ask

2008-09-18T20:43:00.005-05:00

I have to tell you, I've taken to asking PERSISTENTLY for God to find someone to rent our California home. For us to move to Oklahoma (next week!) we either have to find someone to rent it or we have to buy out the lease, a cost of over $9000.

I have to be honest, for the most part, I've just been sick about it. I've worried. I've been tense. I've racked my brain for ideas on how to advertise our property. And since August 1, we've tried it all: Craigs List, Classifieds Ads, MLS, sign in the yard, word of mouth...all to no avail.

On Tuesday nite I remembered a passage in the Bible (Luke 11:5-13) that my friend Christi shared recently on her blog. For some reason it popped into my mind, and Wednesday morning I poured over it, trying to figure out what God wanted me to glean from it.

You can read it for yourself here if you like, but for the sake of a short blog post, I'll sum it up:

God was asking me to ask Him for what I wanted. And not just ask, but ask PERSISTENTLY.

So I've been doing just that. God, I want our house to lease. I want someone else to sign a contract so we can be FREE of ours. I want to be able to move to Oklahoma without one more piece of debt weighing on our shoulders. I want there to be a good fit in renters for this home that has been such a blessing to us. God, please. I know your hand is in this move, please be in the details.

I've been praying constantly. I've been asking my kids to pray with me. I had a friend offer to pray with me...I took her up on it, and we prayed on our knees in her home with our kids playing around us. I sent out an email to friends and family asking them to pray, I asked the team at Scrap Girls to pray. And I'm posting here, asking you, can you pray for us as well?

Just tonite I found out for sure that there is a family that wants to lease our home. They just have some details to work out. They are hoping to have those details worked out by this Saturday. You can bet I'm praying specifically for those details. God, let this family be the ones we've been praying for.

I'm learning a valuable lesson in all of this. Actually a couple:
1. God wants to hear the desires of our hearts. He loves us and wants to know what's burdening us. He wants us to run to Him and ask Him PERSISTENTLY for what we need.

2. There is great comfort and strength in community. I tend to want to be so independent, so strong on my own, and I'm feeling pieces of that fall away, as I reach out to so many at this tight financial time in our life. I want help. I want to be interdependent. I want to better grasp what Christ was talking about when He said His church was to be a body.

Thank you for growing me by letting me share with you.

I look forward to sharing the outcome with everyone of what God does.

LifeShare

2008-09-12T17:33:00.005-05:00

My husband recently started his new job with lifechurch.tv. For now he is doing it remotely from California, but we are anxious to actually join the team as we move to Oklahoma in about two weeks.

I'm excited about a new challenge the LifeChurch Internet Campus and Ragamuffin Soul Community is starting. You might notice in my own blogging that my faith in God comes up a lot. My struggles, my celebrations, my journey, my whole worldview is wrapped up in who I think God is and what I think it means to be a human created in His image. This challenge that they are starting is encouraging people to use their online time purposefully in order to openly live out their faith so that their online community may know about what God is doing in their life. Basically, challenging us to be real about our faith and use our online voice to tell about it. I get excited to think about the stories and loving on other people that could come out of a challenge like this. And so I'm spreading the word.

If you're on Facebook, Message Boards, IM, blogs, etc. then you have an online voice. You are uniquely connected to a whole network of people who need to feel loved on, who need to hear about a God that is big, a God that is personal, a God that is real. How can you be purposeful in loving on those people? In sharing your life story? In sharing a piece of you?

If you're interested in being a part you can read more about it here, and of course, you can tell others about the challenge as well!

Covering the World with Imagination

2008-09-10T18:57:00.003-05:00

(Photo from laffy4k @ flickr.)

A friend shared this quote with me today. I had to blog it so I won't lose it, and so I could pass it on.

"Maybe we should develop a Crayola bomb as our next secret weapon. A happiness weapon. A beauty bomb. And every time a crisis developed, we would launch one. It would explode high in the air - explode softly - and send thousands, millions, of little parachutes into the air. Floating down to earth - boxes of Crayolas. And we wouldn't go cheap, either - not little boxes of eight. Boxes of sixty-four, with the sharpener built right in. With silver and gold and copper, magenta and peach and lime, amber and umber and all the rest. And people would smile and get a little funny look on their faces and cover the world with imagination."

- Robert Fulghum

Welcome Home Signs & A Brain Just Like Yours

2008-09-09T17:52:00.006-05:00

My kids made signs to welcome Tony at the airport last night. The signs were far more colorful when he actually saw them because we took markers to the airport and colored while we were waiting.

Afterwards, we went to supper at a restaurant. When our waitress brought our food to the table she asked if there was anything else we needed. She had taken my cup to refill it with water and never brought it back, so I said, "Yes, I need my water please." She made a silly, "Oops, I goofed face," and said she forgot and she'd bring it right away.

After she walked away Zoe said, "That lady has a brain just like yours mommy."

"She does? Why is that, Zoe?" I said, not realizing the trap I was walking into.

"Because your brain always forgets stuff too."

True Confessions of an Artist

2008-09-07T19:55:00.005-05:00

I did not get my moleskine created for this art show. In fact, I did not even do a single page.

I haven't worked anymore on my book since this post. I do think there is a book in me somewhere, I'm just not sure if now is the time or if this is the right book.

My paints, pencils, inks and sewing machine were some of the first things I packed when I found out we would be moving. The realization that I wasn't in the mood for those things, and if they were in a box I wouldn't have to see them taunting me from my studio shelves had a calming effect on me.

Lately I've been enjoying reading, stitching by hand, baking, blogging, dreaming about what I'd put in my own Etsy shop and taking photographs. I'm also gearing up to make a big move with my family and adding a new addition to our family, so I have been thinking creatively about setting up our new home.

I think creativity hits us in waves. I think we need to be comfortable enough to trust that flow. I also think we shouldn't beat ourselves up when projects don't go as planned. Perhaps the beginnings of one book will lead me into the real book I am supposed to write. Perhaps the risk of signing up for an art show was the faith step I needed to take and next time I will be able to follow through on it and not freeze at the site of the blank page. Perhaps taking times of rest from our art allows us to see things in a fresh perspective, allow us to regain passion and momentum, allows us to explore other avenues of creativity that lead to an even deeper inspiration.

From someone that battles so hard with not beating myself up, I encourage you, don't give up on your art if you just aren't feeling it or if something doesn't go as planned. It could be, it's all part of the process in who you are becoming.

Could it be that there are times in our life where pausing and even maybe redirecting our energies is precisely what is necessary?

5 Things I Noticed While My Husband Was Gone

2008-09-07T19:34:00.003-05:00

Tony has been traveling, preparing the way for us to move to Oklahoma. I'm thankful for that, but man have I missed him. Here's 5 things I've noticed while he's been away:

1. I miss sneaking a sip of his soda. I typically drink water. When we go out to eat, I almost always get a water. But Tony is kind enough to let me take one sip from his soda during the meal. I always say, "I just needed a little something," and he smiles and says, "Sure, go ahead." He never says to me, "Why didn't you just order your own soda then?" He just lets me sneak my drink and go on.

2. I miss getting to share the driving with someone. I take for granted the fact that he drives us around most places that we go as a family. Sometimes it's nice to not have to drive (or get 3 kids in and out of car seats all by yourself.)

3. I've noticed I don't sleep as sound when he's away. I hate that.

4. I've noticed I lose my routine. I don't eat as well. I don't enjoy preparing meals. I'm not as good a mom. I'm not good at planning out my day. I just kind of lose my focus and wander through the moments. I'm not sure why. It's not like he's here in the house with me all day even when he is home, but for some reason when he's away it's like my mind just melts or something.

5. I've noticed I'm not as much an introvert as I think I am. Or maybe, I've noticed that even introverts need relational contact, and I've noticed that I am HORRIBLE at reaching out for it. I finally called a friend to hang out today. And I can't tell you how thankful I was when I got random phone calls from my mom, sister and mom-in-law over the past couple of days. I was dying for some adult conversation and interaction. You can only spend so much time in your own head.

New Digital Scrapbooking Products

2008-09-05T21:08:00.007-05:00

Haven't posted about my new digital scrapbooking products for awhile.

Here's two new fun things I've designed, and a couple layouts to go with.

Wild West Collection

This one got sketched and designed while Tony was away from home at a conference in Texas a few weeks ago. I had some incredible creative energy flowing that week. A couple times Charis sat on my lap and watched me color in my illustrations. I loved how intriguing it was to her, as though the little cowboys and girls were coming to life right on my screen.

Overlayed Collection

This one was heavily inspired by all those cool little scrapbooking projects that Ali seems to do with acrylic embellishments and transparencies. I was desiring the equivalent in digital, and this little collection was born. Sometimes I think there may be a sister collection to this buried in my creative folds somewhere. We'll see if she ever shakes loose.

Time to Think

2008-09-05T14:19:00.006-05:00

I've had a lot of time to think this week. Perhaps it could be said I've been in my own head a bit much. No matter what, the wheels have certainly been turning about all things artsy, creative and spiritual. I am hoping this will all come together and spew out (did that sound gross?) in some good blog posts to share.

In my alone time I've been trying to keep my hands busy with embroidery (for an upcoming Scrap Girls design project) and I've been reading myself to sleep at nite with IT. (I've not been falling asleep because the book is dull. I quite like the book, in fact it has stirred up some of these good thoughts parading around in my mind. I just eventually fall asleep when I read at nite, that's all.) I should finish the book tonite I would guess, if I can "keep my eyes open." Quite a funny thought for a book that has been so "eye-opening" to me spiritually and creatively.

I realized yesterday that if I blogged everything I was processing in my head all the time, my blog would be quite the hopping place, with constant posts. However, you'd also be exposed to the crazy ups and downs that my stream of consciousness thought processes take me through, and I'm just not sure one, if that would be worth reading and two, if that would expose too much of the insanity that can reside in this emotional artist's mind and heart.

For now, all you get is, "I've been thinking." For now, we'll leave it at that.

She turned 4 this holiday weekend...

2008-09-04T15:48:00.001-05:00

...So we had cinnamon rolls, balloons, gift-opening and lunch at her pick, "The Big Red Bird."

Then we played putt-putt in the afternoon.

We went to church in the evening, and had friends over afterwards for pizza and cake. The cake I made was chocolate with chocolate icing. That was a very sweet and important detail in Charis' day.

And she says to me today, "I've never lived in this house when I'm 4. But now I do." You're right girl, now you do. At least for a couple more weeks. :)

Newport Bike Outing

2008-08-30T18:26:00.001-05:00

Charis celebrates her 4th birthday this Monday, on Sept. 1. When I asked her this morning what she wanted to do today, she said she wanted to ride her new bike that she got for her birthday. Immediately Newport Beach came to mind. We always see people riding their bikes there on the long stretch of sidewalk along the beach. So we made an afternoon of it.

We even had a nice man who lived in one of the beach front homes to offer to take a family photo of us. Of course I took him up on it, because it's so rare we get all of us in a photo together. Awesome.

Nehemiah isn't quite big enough to ride his bike, so he rode in the stroller...which means we needed to take a break so he could get some leg-stretching time in too.

And in typical Steward fashion we ended the warm afternoon with a cold treat.

Did a Photo Shoot with Some Friends of Ours...

2008-08-27T18:02:00.001-05:00

These are my favorites from the night.

I love this girl.

2008-08-26T17:37:00.001-05:00

She surprises me the other day by saying, "Look Mom, see, it does fit." Of course she is referencing last year's Halloween costume for Nehemiah, which of course I had told her was too small. Mommy was wrong. So she puts it on and reads herself a book. Precious.

She also learned to spell her name today, after a little bit of practice with the "h" and the "s." I'm so proud.

This afternoon we had our first showing of our house (that went really well by the way!) The kids did great at helping me straighten up last minute. We had one hour to make it shine. After they were finished with their part, they all were hanging out in their room. I heard them giggling and scheming and then Zoe yells down, "Mom, let us know when the people are here to see our house. When they get to our room Charis says she will make her baby doll sing and dance for them so they will want to live here."

Seriously Charis, I love you.

Cravings

2008-08-26T11:28:00.001-05:00

Pregnant with Zoe I mainly craved lemons.

Pregnant with Charis I craved Bing Cherries.

Pregnant with Nehemiah I craved Marinara Sauce.

Pregnant with this baby, I crave ice. Yes, I do think it has something to do with my iron deficiency I'm experiencing this time around, but still...it's my craving.

28.5 weeks along, and I have another ultrasound scheduled for later this week. Excited to see the little dude again.

My FREEing Word

2008-08-22T22:40:00.002-05:00

For those of you who don't know, I picked the word "Free" as my theme word for 2008. I was reminded recently from Ali that I need to refocus once again on my word. It's not that I've totally lost site of it, it's just that I haven't intentionally let it surface lately. So tonite I did something I've been meaning to do for awhile. I referenced a Bible Concordance to look up all the references of the word FREE in the Bible. Then I printed out all 186 scripture references in which the word is used, with the intention of going through them as I'm reading in bed at night. (Reading in bed at night has become a favorite past time of mine.)

I'm anxious to see all the rich ways this word is used. I'll definitely share here on my blog what I learn. Can't wait to re-connect with FREEdom.

Library Day

2008-08-21T11:47:00.001-05:00

We're headed to the library again today. Time to stock up on another awesome pile of books. There really is nothing quite like an awesome pile of books, and a cozy day to look through as many as you want.

Here's another children's book list I found that we're going off of this trip. (Thanks Laura for the heads up on the Charlotte Mason site.)

If it wasn't obvious enough through the books I've been reading and the blog posts I've been making, I am in a researching frenzy to decide what we are going to do for school for our kids. Our plan was to start Zoe in Kindergarten next Fall, and I'm trying to decide what that Kindergarten is going to look like. Montessori, Homeschool, Public School, or some sort of interesting combination. I have already been, a little bit at a time, implementing home teaching. I think this year will give us the perfect opportunity to give homeschooling a trial run before any of our kids "really" have to start. So far I'm completely enthralled with the philosophies of montessori, and the homeschooling approaches of unschooling, Charlotte Mason and unit studies. I could go on and on about what I've learned, but that's for another post. For now, suffice it to say, the hunt is on, and I will not be satisfied until I've figured out what best fits our family. It's a very fun adventure for someone such as myself who is a natural born "learner" and likes to always be discovering new ways to do life.

If you have any thoughts on the topic of education, I'd love to hear your comments.

I will read them later, after the library books have been thoroughly devoured, a picnic lunch in the park consumed and my kids are restfully napping.

Saddleback Civil Forum

2008-08-16T18:38:00.004-05:00

I'm watching the Saddleback Civil Forum on the Presidency live right now here. Very interested to see the pastor of our church, Rick Warren, talk to McCain and Obama. Love the idea of hearing both of the presidential candidates interviewed by a pastor about their worldviews. Also think it's really wild to think how many secret service people there must be crawling around our church campus right now.

Slowing down, unfolding, and learning.

2008-08-15T19:14:00.002-05:00

Wanted to share some great quotes from this book I'm reading on Maria Montessori and her philosophy/methods. I only have 50 pages left, so I feel like I have a good overview of the book, and wanted to get some of my thoughts out in writing.

"If parents are to learn and grow with their children, they must develop the power to observe them, to enjoy them, and to accept them. All of these depend upon a willingness to adopt the SLOWER PACE of the child and to trust his inner powers. It is difficult for the adult, who must attain his goals in the most efficient manner possible, not to interrupt the child's slower efforts.

"Seeing the child make great efforts to perform a totally useless action, or one so futile that he himself [the adult] could perform it in an instant and far better, he [the adult] is tempted to help...The adult is irritated not only by the fact that the child is trying to perform an action when there is no need, but also by his DIFFERENT RHYTHM, his different manner of moving.

"The adult is therefore constantly HURRYING...the child."

If someone had told me about this prior to having kids, I don't think I would have completely grasped it. Only in the middle of my hurried adult life can I TOTALLY relate to what this means, and realize how far I have to go to really "get" being a good mom. It takes SO MUCH PATIENCE and SELFLESSNESS to walk at a child's pace and try and really see the world as they see it day-in and day-out. And each of my children are so unique, that I must do this individually with each one...for the views of their little worlds are very different. This can not be accomplished at quick-like adult speed. It must be done slowly, patiently. I must learn to move to my child's DIFFERENT RHYTHM, which proves difficult when I've become so accustomed to moving to my own. Only then will I truly "get" my kids and I'll be rewarded by feelings of rich satisfaction and warmth and joy at being a mom.

SLOW DOWN, Mandy. I feel like I'm saying that a lot to myself. Why do I/we as adults feel the need to carry such a quickened pace?

Two other things I've liked so far from Maria Montessori:

1. She often refers to childhood as a time when UNFOLDING occurs. I think that term "unfolding" is so brilliant. I've heard Sabrina Ward Harrison use it a lot, but this is new for me to think of it specifically with my children. As they grow, they open up and begin to allow me to see more and more of their true selves, the selves that God created them to be. I am honored to have the opportunity to see them unfold in my presence, on "my watch" so to speak. And while I can do things to shape their environment and development, it is true that much (probably even most) of who they are already exists inside them. God has created them with a unique purpose. He had shaped them uniquely. I'm just along for the ride.

2. And this leads me to point two: I am learning JUST AS MUCH, if not more, from my children as they are learning from me. They are teaching me to be a softer, slower-paced, more complete version of myself, just as I am [hopefully] teaching them to love God and love others. To think that I am here to merely bestow my wisdom on them is foolish.

I'm so thankful for these little people in my life. How did I ever do life without them?

Hanging with Chuck

2008-08-15T11:34:00.003-05:00

Had some fun last nite with my kids. Surprised them with a visit to Chuck E. Cheese. It's been awhile since we've been there, and the first time I've ever taken them totally by myself. I was amazed how well they did. They all stayed together and helped each other on the games. It was almost as if I didn't need to be there. Almost.

First Embroidery Project

2008-08-13T09:52:00.002-05:00

Meet Hoot. He's my first attempt at embroidery. I totally enjoyed this project taken from this book.

I practiced some stitches first and then went right into the real project. I figured if it turned out well, I'd give it to a little friend of ours who just turned one year old (we share a birthday!), and if it flopped, no one would ever have to see it. I think it turned out pretty well for my first go, so I gave it away last weekend.

Looking forward to trying out some more stitching, and would eventually love to draw my own patterns.

If anybody follows any cool embroidery blogs, I'd love to hear about them. Link me up!

Camping!

2008-08-12T12:37:00.001-05:00

Photos from our Big Bear Birthday Camping Trip are posted here if you want to check them out.

It was as wonderful a trip as I could have hoped. A little cold at nite, and so Tony and I didn't get as good of sleep as we might have liked, but other than that, a glorious time was had by all!

Gone Camping

2008-08-10T12:35:00.001-05:00

Had this little nice breakfast to greet me when I came downstairs from taking a shower this morning. So sweet. I love you Tony.

Zoe turns 5 today and I turn 30 tomorrow, so we're hitting the road and going camping. I bought a 7-person tent with my birthday money, and we're breaking it in. Looking forward to campfires, hikes, swimming in the lake, smores, sleeping under the stars and lots of giggles and cuddles with our kids. Some sweet family time to just remember to chill and be in the moment God has us in right now - taking in some of the beautiful California scenery while we can. Back tomorrow sometime.

The Night Before Last...

2008-08-08T12:44:00.003-05:00

Everything fell apart. Or at least it felt that way at the time.

I was working on some Scrap Girls designs to get into the store, trying to meet a Wednesday night deadline, when all of a sudden images started going corrupt. I was greeted with error messages as I tried to prepare my files. I angrily turned off my computer, as my heart sunk.

To make matters worse, I had been feeling nauseated while sitting at my computer. Another wave of that hit me and before I knew it I found myself throwing up in the bathroom, not once, but twice.

I finally climbed into bed that night, weak, exhausted and spent.

When I woke up the next morning, yesterday, I spent some time journaling to God about our life right now. As I was alone with my thoughts, I found myself wrestling for joy. A hard fight. I spent some time crying.

If I could describe our lives the last two years it would go something like this: hurry up and wait. A flurry of activity, a flurry of stepping out in faith, and then silence.

Tony and I realized yesterday that we are so uncertain how to do these days we're in right now. There is this excitement and energy brewing as we look to jump into the new that God has for us in Oklahoma. So we clean house, we start packing, we get things in order, we visit the beach and hang with good friends and then we wait. We wait for our house to re-lease. For someone, anyone, to be interested. And we try to keep faith that God has a plan.

I think to myself, okay, things are in order, while we wait I'm going to focus on designing. I'll try and provide some income for our family and get my mind off waiting. Then my computer goes crazy. I can't even design? Perfect. Come on God.

I find myself being tense, anxious, even depressed...I'm a do-er. I like to take action. I like to have a plan and be working towards something.

But once again, God is saying wait. Just wait.

But the financial strains on our family God. But the job that is waiting for us. But a baby on the way and the desire to be settled. But...

The word almost pains me. I've learned so much about being patient these last two years in California, but He's still got more to teach me, obviously.

I am somewhat grateful though for the opportunity to have my character refined. There has been no shortage of that these past two years either. I have to learn to be a good mom and wife and friend even when things aren't going my way. And I have to learn to have peace within when chaos reins supreme outside.

I also have to trust God in a way that being comfortable NEVER allows me to trust Him. I'm learning to love His wildness and realizing, like Lucy did in the Chronicles of Narnia, that He's not safe, but He's good.

When things are out of my control, as they are now and as they have been so much in the last two years, I have two choices: be overwhelmed or trust Him. In this waiting period of my life I'm asking God that I can truly find my joy in Him, and because of this I can learn, as Paul said in Philippians 4, "to be content in all circumstances."

***I'm curious, how do you get through times of "waiting" in your life?

6 Months Along...

2008-08-04T12:40:00.002-05:00

And we may just have a name picked out for our little guy! Not going to share it quite yet, in case we change our minds, but I'm pretty excited about the meaning behind it.

The Words of My Life

2008-08-04T12:32:00.003-05:00

Check out this site, which can create a word cloud from the words used on your blog or website.

The clouds give greater prominence to words that appear more frequently in the source text. I guess I spent a lot of time THINKing on my blog. :)

Getting Ready

2008-08-02T18:22:00.001-05:00

Spent our Saturday morning/early afternoon getting our house ready to be put back on the market.

Nehemiah and Zoe helped me scrub down all kinds of stuff today...walls, windows, floors, baseboards, etc. Unfortunately when we were scrubbing outside Nehemiah disturbed a bee in our AC unit and it got mad and stung him. He had a little swolen finger and lots of tears to show for it.

Charis got to be daddy's errand helper today - running to Home Depot, fixing a screen in a window, and other odds and ends.

Charis is displaying her dirty hands from helping plant a bunch of flowers in our side and backyard. Our kids had a blast helping daddy with that.

A few more goodwill trips, a couple tubs to scrub down, and Tony's office to gut and we'll be looking pretty and hoping someone falls in love with the house we've loved.

Plugging along

2008-07-31T13:19:00.001-05:00

Had to share Zoe's apple creation. The girls were pretending to be Snow White, taking bites of their apples and then fainting...waiting expectantly for their prince (aka Daddy) to come home to kiss them and wake them up. Somehow in the middle of that game this little apple man was created.

Heard baby's heartbeat again yesterday. Everything is going well with this pregnancy. I'm 25 weeks along, my belly button is popped out, and we still have no name for the little guy. Although I'm secretly holding out for the name Venture. Come on Tony, it's a good strong, adventurous name. :)

Not sure I'll be blogging much in the weeks to come. If I do appear absent you'll know I'm cleaning house, packing boxes, making Goodwill trips, visiting friends and the beach, and managing all the details that come with moving across the country yet again. We would LOVE to be in Oklahoma by Sept. 1. Right now it seems that would take a miracle, particularly due to the lease agreement we're in, but we're in the habit of believing in miracles and watching God show up.

A few of my favorite things right now.

2008-07-29T15:40:00.001-05:00

My new favorite treat - vanilla frozen yogurt with berries. Add a dash of rice krispies for crunch. (Good idea Tony!)

We hit up the library yesterday for a bunch of children's classics, and we've been GREATLY enjoying ourselves reading them together. We picked books off of this list, but there are several good children's book lists on the web.

New Banana Bread recipe from a cookbook. I'm still amazed I can make my own bread. It's so pretty coming out of the oven and it makes our home smell sooooo good.

Amazon.com used books. I've made two purchases recently, 7 books total, and paid less than $50 for all of them, including shipping. I would have paid at least double that if I bought the books new. Also, I've been greatly utilizing Amazon's customized wish list. Anytime I come across a book that really interests me, I mark it on my Amazon wish list. I refer to that list every time I'm making a trip to the library, and if my library doesn't have it, I then consider if it's a book worth purchasing used on Amazon. I've been enjoying keeping track of the books I'm reading on GoodReads. You can add me as a friend there if you care to see what I'm reading.

Also, as you can tell by the book pictured above that I'm waiting for the mailman to bring me, I've been wanting to get into embroidery. I think it would be a fun way to mix illustrating and crafting. I also think I could make some cool, inexpensive gifts. I used to cross-stitch with my mom when I was little and loved it. I think I could really get into this. Stitching is therapeutic, and I love all the beautiful floss colors. I think it could make some cool digital scrapbooking product too.

In Other News:
*I left the sprinklers on in our yard for 5 hours last nite. I swear being pregnant makes me suffer memory loss.

*I experienced my first real earthquake today. And I'm a prophet because last nite I dreamed we were having an earthquake.

*I think Nehemiah is potty-trained. I have no clue how it happened so easily this time around, but I'm not complaining.

*Zoe and Charis and I are working through this book everyday together. They are doing really well and loving it.

Tea Time & Slowing Down

2008-07-27T11:45:00.003-05:00

I had the opportunity to go antique and thrift store shopping yesterday with two good friends. We split up our time with a nice tea in the middle. My experiences with tea times like this are so rare, and I realized yesterday that I long for moments such as these.

As the day started, I was having a hard time focusing. Shopping in antique and thrift stores requires a certain degree of patience, a necessary slowed-down pace. It's all about recognizing the details, appreciating the small things, finding value in the minute. And that's difficult when you live in a nation that as Mary Pipher says is "good at consuming and poor at savoring."

I don't think it was until we sat down for tea that I really started to ease into the groove of living in the moment, savoring the food, the conversation, the beauty of the outdoor patio. I didn't realize I was living at such break-neck speeds, but now that I look back on it, it makes sense. And my natural tendency to resist slowing down, proves to me all the more how much I need it.

In the afternoon my shopping took on a greater appreciation. It wasn't even so much about buying things, because I actually didn't end up making a purchase the whole day other than lunch, but it was about letting beauty transform me. Pausing long enough to recognize it and let it transform me. I truthfully didn't want the day to end because it was having such a calming, inspiring effect on me.

Look at the details of this old furniture, the grooves, the hidden drawers, the mixed strokes of paint.

Feel the softness of this old baby dress, value the intricacies of the embroidered floral details.

Taste the different flavors that make up this tropical green tea, each one hitting me at a different place in my mouth, not to mention my heart.

Listen to the music that makes me light on my feet or the giggle of a friend that brings a smile to my face.

Smell the old books. Crack them open to connect with another person's story, a person that lived long before me and yet writes of themes that transcend time.

Yesterday I realized, that sometimes I have to disconnect from the global world of information and social networks and the like to connect with myself once again, on the level of my heart. I discovered I desire to be an expert at savoring - I think, afterall, that is part of living a FREE life. It's part of what Christ was talking about when He offered us life to the fullest. Did He not create us to see, smell, hear, taste and touch? And are these not sources of profound beauty just waiting to be savored?

The word is out...

2008-07-27T10:26:00.003-05:00

The Steward Family is moving to Oklahoma - read about it on Tony's blog HERE.

And I couldn't resist throwing in some song lyrics...

Brand new state, gonna treat you great!
Gonna give you barley, carrots and pertaters,
Pasture fer the cattle,
Spinach and termayters!
Flowers on the prarie where the June bugs zoom,
Plen'y of air and plen'y of room,
Plen'y of room to swing a rope!
Plen'y of heart and plen'y of hope.

Oklahoma, where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain
And the wavin' wheat can sure smell sweet
When the wind comes right behind the rain.

Cool FREEdom quote

2008-07-24T19:37:00.001-05:00

Often when things are allowed the FREEdom to take shape, they tend to reshape everything.

Trying to believe...

2008-07-17T19:05:00.004-05:00

As Tony and I continue on our journey (and oh, the crazy details of that journey right now), here's what I'm trying to believe (TRYING REALLY, REALLY HARD):

God rescues me.
God delights in me.
God rewards me.
God saves me when I'm afflicted.
God illumines my darkness.
God is my shield.
God gives me strength.
God sets me on high places.
God trains me for battle.
God upholds me.
God's gentleness makes me great.
God enlarges my steps.
God keeps me from slipping.
By my God I can leap over a wall.

These all come from Psalms 18:19-36. I read these a few days ago, and they've just stuck with me. I keep reviewing them, trying to accept them as truth, embrace them as promises, believe in a God just like that. Incredibly comforting during the reading, incredibly difficult in the day-to-day implementation into my life.

I'm trying.

The boy got a haircut.

2008-07-15T14:45:00.006-05:00

I guess he won't be able to be "the" boy for much longer, so I'm using that title while I can. He got his haircut today, and he keeps running his hands through it. So do I for that matter. He looks like a totally different boy. We love it! He didn't cry once during the whole haircut. I'm told that's rare.

I got my haircut too, but since I'm growing it out, there's not much change, apart from the super darkness to it. I went for the darkest brown possible, but I'm pretty sure it's black. It's fun to have a color change while I'm patiently waiting for the rest of it to grow. Now I really don't look like I fit in with my blonde-headed family.

Sacred History

2008-07-09T14:02:00.005-05:00

I just finished reading this marriage book last night (thanks for letting me borrow it Christina). I was a bit hesitant to read it because I thought it was going to be too deep for me, since I'm just getting back into the practice of reading with any sort of consistency. I was right, it was pretty deep, BUT I loved it. I liked that it challenged me. I liked that I wanted to read it with a pen in hand so I could focus and write down things I'd never thought of before. I liked that the author shared lots of stories and quotes from history. In his words, he writes to be "recapturing the contemporary relevance of old ground that has been forgotten." That's just cool, at least in an "I was an English Minor and I like classical literature" sort of way. :)

There is much I could say about this book (I wrote down 5 pages of quotes.) A friend of mine asked me jokingly, "Shouldn't you have read that book 8 years ago, BEFORE you got married?" Yes, I suppose I should have, but honestly I think I'll be figuring out this whole marriage relationship thing for the rest of my life, just like I continue to learn more things about my faith, my God, even myself. And it's never too late to breathe new life, new commitment, new passion into a relationship, especially the marriage relationship.

One thing I do want to share though, is a notion the author shares called "Sacred History." I think it's powerful stuff, and especially powerful for those of you who like to scrapbook. He encourages readers to tell their marital story as much as possible, and especially to each other. The longer you stay in your relationship, the more stories you have to tell to each other. The more your story is implanted in your brain the more it can serve as a hedge against forces that seek to destroy your marriage. When you think about all the history you have with your spouse, all that you've battled, all that you've fought for, all that you've celebrated and grieved, all that you've come through together, it's harder to want to give up on such a relationship. The more you remember your history together, the more sacred it becomes...and the sacredness of your relationship will cause you to fight for it.

Scrapbookers are all about documenting their stories. What a beautiful testament these creative layouts can be to the richness of your marriage. Your marriage stories are worth remembering, celebrating, honoring. They are worth being transformed into "legend" in your own home.

Menus

2008-07-07T23:37:00.003-05:00

Came across this post today about how to plan meals and thought it was helpful, especially since I'm a tad bit computer geeky and like to use gmail and de.licio.us. Thought I'd share it in case it might be helpful to any of you.

Fireworks

2008-07-05T10:49:00.004-05:00

We had a fun family night yesterday evening watching the fireworks. We packed a cooler full of supper and treats and headed to a near-by stadium to hang out with friends for the afternoon/evening.

The girls got to jump in some bounce-houses, get their faces painted and compete against each other in a relay race - a relay race that was designed for bigger kids, you should have seen Zoe and Charis trying to hoola-hoop. HA!

Our whole family enjoyed the petting zoo with goats, ducks, chickens, etc. Nehemiah was actually brave enough to get down and pet the little goats and he LOVED it.

There was a live band, so our kids did a lot of dancing.

The fireworks were a hit, but Nehemiah watched them out of the corners of his eyes, tightly snuggled in with Daddy and his bear. He said they were scary. Zoe kept running over to tell me which ones were her favorites. Charis and Zoe ended the night by watching the fireworks together laying on a blanket. Too cute.

It was a good 4th of July.

Happy July 4th!

2008-07-04T09:56:00.003-05:00

You can click on the image to get a complete listing with links to the Scrap Girls products I used on this layout.

It's Official - We're Having a Boy!

2008-07-03T15:18:00.003-05:00

This will bring us to an even total of 2 girls and 2 boys. You're looking at two pictures of the face and one picture of the feet, for those of you like me, who can never make anything out of the little ultrasound blobs.

There was of course also a picture to let us know he was a boy, and when the doctor pointed that out to us, Charis yelled out, "Where? Where is his wee-wee? I want to see it." She needed to see proof. HA!

Everyone in our family seems happy with a boy, even Charis who was really wanting twins so she could get a boy and a girl. We are most happy that he is healthy and his little body is being formed perfectly. I'm 20 weeks. Halfway there to meeting this guy, and hopefully enough time for us to decide on a name. Our extremely cool girl name will have to wait.

Creating

2008-07-03T10:57:00.008-05:00

This post is all about creating today. The theme seems to be weaving in and out of my life in many different ways lately.

Creating Example #1: What are you supposed to do when life gives you apparent rotten bananas (otherwise known as over-ripe)? Mash them into a beautiful smelling banana bread and delight in them for breakfast. I never dreamed my creating could come out in ways like baking, but I sure have been enjoying that creative release lately.

Creating Example #2: I finally was able to get into see the new Refinery building on our church's campus. It really is an incredible place. And I got to see my art displayed. I think it's amazing how I've always wanted to display my art in a gallery for others to enjoy, and that God gave me this desire of my heart, quite by accident. I had created 20 pages of a little book while I was reading the Purpose Driven Life. My idea was to create a page for each day of reading (40 total - although I still haven't completed it yet.) A friend from church (thanks Leigh!) came across the postings of my little book on my blog and mentioned it to his wife, who in turn contacted me and told me about her plans to display art like this in the new building. And so God brought a gallery to me. How cool. It was a joy to get to see my art displayed with other talented artists' pieces, and to see it used for much more than I ever dreamed it would be. The prints are 11x17 size, to give you a better idea of what you're looking at.

INSERT ULTRASOUND PICTURES HERE.

Creating Example #3: We, as a family, leave in an hour to go find out the gender of this little baby that is being created in my belly. It will never cease to amaze me that God allows us to be a part of the creation process in this way. I love the "magic" of pregnancy (minus the throwing up in the bathroom at 2 AM the other morning) and I feel alive with creative inspiration, simply by knowing my body is in a constant creative mode right now, developing a masterpiece that we can't wait to meet.

Creating Example #4: Digital Scrapbooking and designing the products for this fun art has been so fulfilling for me. I love the fun of gathering inspiration and then putting my own spin on creations. Just yesterday I finished a new project and it was like a creative sigh of relief.

Sometimes art just has to come out of us, and it will figure out how to do this, one way or another.

Beach Day

2008-07-01T11:21:00.001-05:00

Just wanted to share some pictures from a fun beach day we had on Saturday. Friends of ours took their Airstream and we hung out and BBQ'd until it got dark. I'm quite convinced I could live in a Airstream, especially by the beach. I'm also pretty sure I've got gypsy blood in me. :)

Determined

2008-06-26T12:27:00.007-05:00

Good morning day. We made homemade blueberry muffins in your honor and our home smells so good. We are listening to pretty music and, we are determined to make this day joyful, and you can't take that away from us.

...Even though I've already broken up more sibling fights then I can count on one hand.

...Even though our car had to return to the shop and it is going to cost us an extra $500 on top of what we already paid.

...Even though Tony's hours have been cut back with one of his clients.

So what?

We are determined to choose joy today.

...We already have one whole load of laundry completed and put away.

...We worked together and got all the trash out of the house and onto the curb before the trash truck came!

...We made muffins - together. Does that need anymore explanation? Yum!

...Zoe did "school" with Nehemiah and Charis while I was cleaning up the kitchen, and they all three actually enjoyed it.

...I finished this book last night and feel totally refreshed and recharged and re-inspired to be a butt-kick mom.

We have a God that showers blessings on us, and we're choosing to sing His praises today. (Yes, this is really what Zoe looks like when she gets into a song.)

We're determined to choose FREEdom from discouragement today and we're embracing joy. Care to join us?

Celebrating, A Lot!

2008-06-24T14:32:00.008-05:00

We've done a lot of celebrating in the past week at our house. Having Father's Day, our anniversary and Tony's Birthday all within a week's time made for a lot of excitement.

We celebrated Father's Day Asian style and ate a little this and watched a little this.

Our anniversary is pretty much summed up here.

For Tony's birthday we ate ice cream cake with friends on Friday evening. On Sunday morning, his actual birthday, we delivered him cinnamon rolls in bed with candles. We attended this church in the morning, which was a unique, albeit extremely hot, worship experience in a park. This was followed by a BBQ, hanging out with friends and LONG naps by our kids. Tony picked to eat at Lucille's for his birthday supper. I may or may not have failed to offer to cook him a nice birthday meal.

Our big gift to Tony was a Wii. It was a wonderful surprise, as he wasn't expecting much in the way of a present since money is a little tight right now. I had found one in Walmart a couple months ago and bought it and actually kept it a surprise. It was so fun to give to him and it's been cool how much our family has enjoyed playing it together.

We even purchased the old school Mario Brothers to play on it, which brings back lots of childhood memories for me.

Tony and I also managed to sneak in a viewing of Get Smart. This is the first movie I've gone to see with Tony on a date since we moved to California. I always used to watch this show with my dad and sister on Nick at Nite reruns and we loved it. Lots of laughs. So it was really fun when Tony offered to take me to see it. I really enjoyed it...and the popcorn...and the air conditioning...and the company...and that I didn't have to leave the theater to take kids to the potty or to keep someone from disrupting the show for everyone else. Ah. A nice little break.

I've been on a book reading binge and finished Walking With God (AMAZING!) and am halfway through The Mission of Motherhood. I'm already thinking about what I want to read next. I'm figuring my mind as well as my soul must be coming out of winter because I'm so hungry to read and learn and grow right now.

My wedding album's, To Have To Hold are live at Scrap Girls now. There is a ScrapSimple version and a pre-designed Assemble Your Own version. Very excited about that accomplishment. And I'm knee deep into some new designs that I'm excited about as well.

The Refinery has opened at our church, which is a building created for the junior high and high school ministry at Saddleback. I'm sure it will be used for lots of other ministry as well. From what I've seen in pictures, it looks incredible. But I've also heard rumor that some of the artwork from my 40 Days of Purpose Album has made it up on a wall of the building. I'm excited to check it out and hopefully get a few pictures.

I leave you with a quote:

"If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader." -John Quincy Adams

Baking

2008-06-20T14:30:00.001-05:00

There is some crazy baking going on here today.

You can't beat homemade purple playdough muffins or orange, red and yellow cookie surprises. Tasty.

And all in honor of daddy's upcoming birthday on Sunday. The cookie baking followed the card making. I'm sorry Tony, but I think we're celebrating without you. :)

Continually

2008-06-20T12:14:00.004-05:00

I was struck by a verse this morning in Psalms. It was one of those moments where the line jumps out at you as you're reading and wraps around your heart and you realize it was placed there just for you for this very moment. It just makes so much sense. He is indeed an intimate God, speaking directly to me at my level of need and openness.

I must make the choice to set God continually before me. CONTINUALLY putting Him first. CONTINUALLY following behind Him. CONTINUALLY giving Him the chance to lead, because He won't force Himself into that role in my life. And the decision to NOT put Him before me, however subconscious it might be, is the decision to put something else before me. And before I know it, I've no clue who God is, where God is or what He thinks about my life. Why does He seem do distant, so unfair, so out to get me?

I created this little 4x6 piece to have on my desk.

Scrap Girls supplies used:
Brush Set: Stamped Dates
Assemble Your Own Zoom Pages - 4x6: Prayer and Praise
Nessa Embellishments

I want to remember to keep God before me, so I don't lose sight of Him, so I don't forget His heart for me is good, so I don't make the mistake of putting something else before me, so I don't start to doubt His intentions. It happens so quickly, so subtly, so craftily - one might almost assume there was a thief attempting to steal my joy and spread lies about God - oh wait, there is.

Let me summarize what the Psalm goes on to say "Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. My heart is glad, my glory rejoices, my flesh is secure, my soul is not abandoned...You make known to me the path of life and Your presence is fullness of joy, in your right hand there are pleasures forever." Wow, who doesn't want all those promises. I've got to train myself to put Him before me. It's a discipline, it's hard, it often feels unnatural, but it's so worth it.

18 Weeks and Coming Out of Winter

2008-06-19T09:34:00.005-05:00

I'm 18 Weeks pregnant and have a little belly bump to show for it now. My belly button is already sticking out. Ah well. I'm starting to feel some movement from the baby as well, which I love, but it's so minimal right now that my kids can't feel it yet. They are dying to be able to feel it. We go July 3, as a family, for an ultrasound, where we should find out the baby's gender. If it's a boy we've got to come up with a name, because we have nothing. We're covered on the girl front though.

I finally (it's been 3 weeks in the works) finished a wedding album design I've been creating for Scrap Girls. I'm very excited about it, and loved the challenge of taking on a bigger project like this. I learned a lot in the process. Can't post pictures quite yet, but soon.

We've been having internet issues for the last couple weeks, and I finally made a call yesterday to get it fixed. Thankfully a technician showed up in a very speedy fashion, and we are back up and running. Why do I wait so long to take care of issues? Sometimes it's so hard to break from the high speed of life to take the time to deal with issues that need attention. Take my heart for instance...it's needed some real attention. And it's been weeks, *gasp* maybe even months, since I've really taken some time to evaluate my spirit. I've felt out of sorts and disconnected from God, and haven't stopped to figure out why. Just slow down already, Mandy. Breathe, take some time to figure out why before you get so far removed that it becomes a mess to get back.

After my kids went to bed, I spent some time reading last nite and listening to my heart and just being still. It was just what I needed. And I felt my heart opening up again, ready to ask questions and seek answers I haven't been ready to ask or seek for in some time. It is no doubt that there are seasons to my faith, and I think I've been going through a winter (feeling nothing much for God but plodding along in my "faith" anyway because at my core I still believe even if it doesn't "feel good" right now) and just last nite had a break through to see the snow beginning to melt. I await with great anticipation the first bloom pushing its way up through the thawed ground. It will come, it always does.

8 Years And Counting

2008-06-18T09:46:00.003-05:00

Had a wonderful 8th Anniversary date nite with Tony yesterday evening. We spent the evening walking around Laguna Beach, browsing the shops, eating an amazing dinner on a second story patio with a view of the ocean and engaging in conversation. We followed it up with a warm drink from Starbucks and a walk back to our car along the coast.

We came to a mutual agreement that we haven't a better friend in the world than each other. It really is so nice to know there is someone that you can completely be yourself around, someone that gets you, someone that laughter comes so easily with. It's a joy.

I love you Tony. Heres to many, many more years of adventure, learning and love. There's not another soul I'd rather do life with.

Good, thought provoking quote.

2008-06-11T16:28:00.002-05:00

"We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are."

Up To Speed

2008-06-09T14:19:00.002-05:00

Bringing you up to speed on the Stewards:

Zoe finished her first soccer season on Saturday. All of the players received a trophy, and she could not have been more elated. For some reason, she's always talked about wanting a trophy (even prior to playing soccer) so Saturday was a big dream come true!

Sunday we packed a picnic lunch and headed to Laguna Beach. It was wonderful. The girls played in the water almost the whole time, because they were so excited to finally be at the beach with bathing suits on. We ended the afternoon with gelato. Perfect.

AND I got my computer back! I haven't put it through its paces yet, but plan on doing so this afternoon when kids are napping. Apple replaced the graphics card, and I'm hoping all is well in Mandy Mac land now.

Tony is taking our sick van into be fixed today. Praying for an easy and cheap fix. We just keep duct taping this van back together. We joke that it is Holy Spirit anointed because it just keeps working. At the same time we are praying for the money for a new vehicle before baby number four comes. It would be okay with us if gas were cheaper too.

I love the creativity of our kids! Currently we are playing birthday party with a bunch of little friends. At least the girls are.

The boy is trying to knock it all down. And I'm trying to keep him entertained with building his own tower.

My Computer Update...

2008-06-04T18:23:00.004-05:00

It leaves tonite at 6 PM for the Mac Store. They are wiping the hard drive (yes, i have everything backed up - at least I sure hope so!) and starting from scratch. They are also replacing the graphics card. They have ordered all possibly needed parts, in case something else should need replaced as well. Thank you to the Geniuses! See you again Monday dear computer?

What's Up with My Computer?

2008-06-04T13:46:00.004-05:00

As Murphy's Law would have it, my computer, which I need in order to work on Scrap Girls designs, has decided to go wonky. And by wonky I mean this:

Files that were perfectly beautiful when I was creating them become corrupted to look like this

and like this

And call me crazy, but something tells me the Psychedelic Matrix Collection is not going to be a hot seller at Scrap Girls.

So with much grief I'm packing up my computer and my husband is taking it to the Apple Store for someone at the Genius Bar to hopefully look at it and agree with me that my computer is ill. And not only agree with me, but also to fix it in a timely manner. I mean, that's what a Genius would do, right?

I'm going to try and use our Mac Mini in the meantime, but if I'm not online or answering emails you'll know why. I'm in mourning.

Settling In

2008-06-02T12:59:00.003-05:00

Well, I did lose my job last Wednesday. Today is my first official day not reporting to work...and all-in-all, it feels pretty good. I'm thoroughly enjoying the chance to be here and be a mom and keeper of our home. This feeling came over me yesterday, as I worked around the house trying to catch up on some projects that had been overlooked while I was working. Cleaning the inside of the refrigerator and the microwave, cleaning up the kids water/sand table in the backyard, so they could actually play with the clean water in it, catching up on laundry, filling our cupboards with food again vacuuming, dusting, ordering printer ink, cleaning up my workspace, etc. And that has continued into this morning as I've been hanging frames and my bulletin board and trying to spend some time reading the Bible, a practice I all too quickly let slip.

The financial part of losing my job does not feel pretty good. But as I told my sister, we will take it a bill at a time. As long as we can pay the next bill due, we're good. Tony has been amazing at encouraging me in my job loss and he has been working overtime to carry as much work for clients as possible. I couldn't ask for a more supportive husband, a more gracious provider. He's been optimistic when I've been down, and He's helped me along when my faith has been weak. He's allowed me the freedom to try and take this job-loss as an opportunity to make working from home work.

So this week I'm settling into my new role. My role as full-time mom and Scrap Girls designer. My role as keeper of the home and supporter of my hard-working husband. My role as rice krispy maker, bunk-bed tent constructor and overall creative care-giver. And I'm trying to settle in once again to a life lived by faith. How quickly I forget.

We're Doing Okay!

2008-05-26T12:54:00.005-05:00

A little update on us:

Nehemiah got his stitches out and his lip is healing so well. He's a trooper. He also fell halfway down our stairs last nite. He was fine, but Tony and I are both realizing the joy of having active kids...and in particular, an active boy.
Zoe's soccer game was canceled this week due to the holiday, so we went to the beach. Tony even did a little video of our time there.
We actually went to the beach yesterday too, because I was craving seafood.
I find out Wednesday if I still have a job outside the home.
Our car does not like it that we are driving it. It is enjoying overheating. We are praying for God to deliver a new, used family-mobile to us. I think God really enjoys letting all the odds stack up against you so He can really show up big time. At least I'm hoping this is the case. :)
I think I might let my hair grow out. I know, I know you want to know these things.
I cleaned my little workspace and have been cranking on Scrap Girls product planning and designing.
I can't tell you anymore about us because Charis has thrown herself down on the floor in extreme hunger. She must eat soup and grilled cheese this very minute, and I must oblige.

Gathering Inspiration, Visually and Audibly

2008-05-22T19:15:00.006-05:00

While my kids were napping this afternoon I listened/watched a press conference Rick Warren did that was live on UStream. Very interesting stuff about bridging the gap in churches to join together and strive for P.E.A.C.E. in the world. (Yes PEACE is an acrostic, and no, I don't remember what all the letters stand for, so I don't want to guess. But it's good stuff.)

I was simultaneously cutting out inspiration from a pile of magazines and slapping it into a design ideas notebook I have.

When the press conference ended I watched the slightly more lame and yet entertaining American Idol Finale which was tivoed from last nite. I fast forwarded through most of it and was a bit surprised by the outcome, but it kept me good company as I continued to clip and glue design inspiration. And now I have 4 pages full of ideas, I've purged from my home a whole stack of thoroughly used and abused magazines, I'm up on American musical superstars and I have a basic knowledge of obtaining world peace. All in an afternoon. :)

Dangerous Surrender and the Hurt in Our World

2008-05-22T10:35:00.004-05:00

I've been reading a book by Kay Warren called Dangerous Surrender. She spoke in church for three weeks on the same topics she covered in her book. I've been greatly affected by her words.

As I've been slowly reading through the book, I've been rethinking a lot about how I live my own life as well as what is going on in the world around me. I've been slow to write much about it here on my blog, because I'm still so fiercely processing it all myself. I've been dealing a lot with my own selfishness and how easily I've become swallowed in Mandy's world.

Besides talking specifically about her own calling to become involved in the HIV/AIDs crisis, Kay also touches on how Christ talks a lot about the Church taking care of widows and orphans. I've been especially touched by the part about taking care of orphans, and have slowly started to take steps towards figuring out what part God wants me to play in that role. I was shocked by the statistic that there are 143 million orphans globally. Wow. I can't even fathom that number.

As I've begun to open my heart to this number and this need in our world, I have been finding information everywhere about orphan care. Just yesterday I was listening to a UStream channel that my husband is helping out with for Saddleback Church, and I heard someone mention Steven Curtis Chapman and his family and how they've adopted kids and have started a ministry to make adoption more affordable for families. I went to his website to check out more on this. While I was familiar with the Christian music artist, Steven Curtis Chapman, this was the first time I had been to his site and the first time I read in depth about their heart for orphans.

This morning, I returned to their website to find the homepage replaced with this painful message. There youngest daughter, and one of three of their adopted children, was killed by an accident occurring in their own driveway. I was in shock when I read this. And it just happened yesterday, probably at the exact same time I was checking out their website for the first time. It amazes me the pain and suffering that occurs in this world.

It is true that there is a war going on between good and evil in this world. And there is no one protected from hurt. We all experience it. I've been one to want to shelter myself from this pain and hurt and evil in the world. Pretend it doesn't exist. Pretend my family is exempt. Pretend there is nothing I can do. But I'm starting to come around to the idea that there is a better way of living. Instead of ignoring evil or pretending it doesn't exist, instead of living in fear of tragedy, what if we were okay with rubbing shoulders with the hurt. What if we decided to push through the fear and start to fight. What if we decided to rest in the fact that this world, and its fallen, messed-up uncertainties, tragedies and unfair treatments, is not the end of the story. That there really is a God who will, in the end, bring redemption and restoration and gives peace in the meantime. What if I started to care about stopping other people's hurt instead of just trying to prevent my own hurt.

Yesterday I was talking to my kids over supper about how there are kids in the world, and even right here in our own county, whose mommies and daddies have died or their homes are just not safe to live in. These kids are all alone, I told them, and they need safe places to live and be loved on. I said, we should pray and ask Jesus to show us how we can help them. Zoe immediately starts praying, " Jesus, please find the children who aren't safe and please send them to us so we can take care of them. We have a safe home and nothing will happen to them here. They can eat our food and swing on our swings and sleep in our beds with us."

While I'm not naive to think we have a home that will keep all evil out (I think again of the tragedy of the Chapman household), I do think there is something special about Zoe's prayer and her willingness to share swings and beds and food with other little hurting kids. I do think there is something to giving of ourselves in order to truly live, of dangerously surrendering. I do think there is FREEdom to be found there. I also think I have a lot more learning to do.

What a Week

2008-05-21T16:01:00.003-05:00

Well this has turned out to be quite an interesting week. I was only scheduled to work on Monday this week because Tony is being contracted to help cover a conference at Saddleback, and I needed to be home to watch our kids. He's putting in long hours, from about 7 in the morning until about 7 or later at night. It's been tiring and awesome for him at the same time. That's the background info you need to understand that I'm basically doing this week on my own.

I wake up Monday morning to find my itchy rash has returned. I really am starting to think I'm having an alergic reaction to the chemicals in the pool. Both times this rash has occurred a couple days after our pool time. It's all over my legs again, and well, it's nasty and annoying. Bummer. But hey, I can live with this. I already have calamine lotion from my last go around, and at least I know it doesn't seem to spread to the rest of my body.

Tuesday morning. Tony leaves way early in the morning for Day 1 of conference, and I take a shower while girls are still sleeping. Nehemiah hangs with me in the bathroom. He also proceeds to step up on our shower/bath step and then slip and face-plant into the shower edge. It's a bad fall. Lots of blood. Swolen lip. As the day goes on it looks worse to me, so Tony brings me home the car, I drop him back off at the church and we 4 (me, nehemiah, zoe and charis) go to the ER. I hold my son's hands as he gets two stitches in his lower lip. He's really brave by the way, and I guess I didn't do too bad either. At the same time, I'm watching my girls across the hallway in the kids waiting room as they beat each other up. I tell the doctor, I'll be happy if we escape with only one bloodied lip today.

Wednesday morning. Back to the doctor to hear that Nehemiah's lip is not infected (even though it's still twice its normal size) and that the stitches can come out on Friday. Thank you God for healing! We actually manage to get some grocery shopping done and then we return home for lunch. After lunch my kids are playing in their room when I hear Charis start to cry (this is an every hour occurrence so I think nothing of it) and then I hear Zoe yell, "Mom, Charis has blood." Great. Just great.

Charis comes down the stairs with a petrified look on her face, and a bloody nose. Turns out she accidentally ran her nose into her sister's knee. I'm so thankful to find her teeth all intact and no lips busted. But still, enough is enough.

And now, after lots of cuddles, my kids are napping. And my plans of getting work done are toast because all I want to do is curl up on the couch in the fetal position and sleep. Some days, it's tough being a mom.

The pool was good...

2008-05-16T16:23:00.003-05:00

And now we are resting.

I must admit, I do love my days home with my kids. You can't beat getting to catch some sun at the pool and then getting to work at your computer while the picture of sweetness and innocence is lightly snoring beside you in the giant bean bag chair. Ah the life.

Deadlines, Swimming Pools and Design

2008-05-16T11:38:00.002-05:00

Well, I've diligently pushed through the second round of corrections for the inside of the book I'm laying out for Simply. It's been a lot of work, but I've learned so much through this process and have had fun too. I got to do a bunch of illustrations for this project, which added to the fun. While the project isn't wrapped up, I know the corrections will be fewer and fewer, and I'm so excited to be coming to the end of the road. I'm really happy with how the books is turning out.

As it is supposed to be 100 degrees today, and as I figured we needed to celebrate my second round of corrections, I promised our kids we'd play at the pool this morning. So a quick grocery trip and then off to the pool it is.

As for my part-time design job outside the home, I was unfortunately told on Wednesday that there is a chance I might be let go at the end of the month. It seems the workflow, specifically in the design niche I was hired for, is dwindling, and unless something changes, I may be no longer needed. While this is not totally a surprise, I could read the writing on the wall, it's still very difficult for our family, as we've come to count on that financial income. So it seems once again, we will be stepping out on faith and hoping for the best. We are fortunate that Tony's clients have picked up and that he has solid work through the end of June. And after June, well, we will wait and see. I will say I am more than slightly motivated to continue designing products for the Scrap Girls store, a creative outlet and design job I am VERY thankful for. I am also getting better and better at not freaking out about money. God has always provided for our family, and I can look behind me and see all the evidence of that strewn behind me on the journey called my life. He will no doubt take care of us yet again.

Happy Mommy's Day!

2008-05-11T11:09:00.002-05:00

To my mom, Tony's mom and all my mommy friends.

Love to you all!

PS - If you were here, Miah would kiss you with his peanut butter covered face.

Another Soccer Saturday

2008-05-11T11:04:00.001-05:00

My favorite picture has to be the huddle one. They're just so dang tiny and cute.

Last weekend was huge because Zoe actually scored a goal.

And this weekend? Well this weekend she was excited about passing out the watermelon and juice boxes we brought for the team.

Blogging?

2008-05-10T09:47:00.003-05:00

Two nights ago my husband, Tony, was talking to me about a nice comment he had gotten on his blog. The comment was about how he was writing amazing stuff and about how he was changing someone's life. Well maybe it wasn't quite that dramatic, but you get the gist. I then thought about my own blog, a wide-open abandoned field, that when you land on the page you can hear the clear, distinct sound of a cricket chirping. With that, I looked at Tony and said:

"Maybe I will never, ever write a blog post again."

Truth be known, I feel like an ostrich. I've had my head buried in fog of 1st trimester pregnancy, and as I'm cruising right into my second trimester, I'm picking up speed, energy and the fog is clearing a bit. I seriously feel like I've just gone through the motions of life the last few weeks. 8:30 has been my bedtime, even earlier on some nights. Pretty poor for a self-proclaimed night-owl. But my body, undoubtedly has needed the rest, and my husband has been gracious to spend his evenings alone while I snore away upstairs. He's even surprised me a couple times by turning down my side of the bed and placing the obligatory pillow to put between my knees (the only way I can sleep when I'm pregnant) on the bed as well. Very, very sweet.

My friend Christina threatened to move me down on her blog-reading list if I didn't step up to plate, so I'm jumping into action. A post. Here's a post! Your life will not be changed by it, but the crickets can now stop chirping.

Soccer Mom

2008-04-26T10:57:00.002-05:00

Well, I've been told I'm officially a soccer mom now. How did that happen? Wasn't I just playing volleyball in college, and now I'm sitting on the sidelines watching my kids play sports?

Zoe picked her own number. We have no idea why 16, but 16 she is. So fun. Off to another game today.